Wedding ‘invitations are not invoices.’ Here’s your guide to gift-giving this wedding season.
If you've found yourself wondering "how much money should I give for a wedding gift?" you are not alone.
As another wedding season approaches, you may be looking at your calendar with a mix of excitement and anxiety.
For guests, much of the pre-wedding consternation is over how much they’ll have to shell out to celebrate their loved ones.
There are advanced costs such as buying a new dress or dry-cleaning your suit. You may have to book a flight or pay for a hotel. If you’re a close friend, all of this might come after you already paid $1,000 or more to go to a destination bachelor or bachelorette party. And then, on top of all that, you need to give a wedding gift.
As the costs of weddings have risen, we talked to Muneerah Harris, Philadelphia-based etiquette consultant for the Swann School of Protocol; Gail Madison, director of the Madison School of Etiquette in Huntingdon Valley; and Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute and great-great granddaughter of the famous etiquette expert and author.
Here are their answers to some money questions you might have as we head into wedding season:
How much money should I give for a wedding gift?
Etiquette-wise, there is actually no hard and fast rule.
“You’ve got to realize invitations are not invoices,” Harris said. “Don’t feel overwhelmed that you have to give this or that.”
Contrary to popular belief, the most important factor to consider is your budget.
“Your budget dictates what you should give to other people,” said Post, coauthor of Emily Post Etiquette: The Centennial Edition. “There is no expectation from an etiquette perspective that you pay for your plate.”
Madison said she recommends spending a minimum of $50 per guest. However, she thinks $75 to $100 is an ideal gift, if you have more flexibility in your budget.
There are other factors to consider, too.
“If you are at a backyard wedding with picnic tables, I don’t think you have to be as generous as if you’re at a wedding at a big hotel or at a big fancy venue,” Madison said. “It depends on how well you know the people. What is the connection? Is it an acquaintance? A family member?”
Should I spend more on a wedding gift for a close relative or friend?
If you have the means and the desire to splurge on someone special, sure. But don’t feel obligated to do so.
“You might choose to do something more expensive for your sister and do smaller gifts for your coworker or the person from your yoga class who invited you to their wedding,” Post said.
If I’m a bridesmaid or groomsman, do I need to give a gift? If I do, how much should I spend?
It depends on the couple and your personal situation.
Post recommends first talking to others in the bridal party.
“There is a tradition of the bridal party getting a gift, often together, for the couple,” she said. “You just have to kind of feel out where people are” and what they’re willing to spend.”
“I think it’s a discussion to be had rather than a must-do,” she added. “Some couples make sure that their bridal party knows that their presence and participation is a present.”
Do I give cash or check for a wedding gift?
It’s ultimately up to you. But do keep the couple in mind.
If it seems like they’d most appreciate a contribution to their honeymoon fund, do that. If they have a ton of items for their new home on a registry, maybe opt for one of those gifts.
If you’re tight on money, the registry may also allow you to spend less while still giving something you know the couple will enjoy.
And if you’re going to buy a gift off-registry, Post recommends using the online wish list as a guide to their personal taste.
I was invited to a wedding but can’t go. Do I still need to send a gift?
It would be good manners.
“If you have the means to send something, do,” Post said. “If you don’t have the means, I would send them a card or a letter on your own stationery.”
“The invitation at the bare minimum is worth the congratulations, whether you attend or not.”
How much should I tip the bartender at an open-bar wedding?
You don’t actually need to tip, given that the hosts are already paying the bartenders a gratuity, the experts said.
But if you have cash on you and want to tip for excellent service, feel free.
Don’t let tip jars intimidate you into giving more than you’re comfortable. In fact, both Madison and Post were opposed to their presence at weddings.
“A tip jar at a wedding is tacky,” Madison said. “If I’m going to give someone a tip, I’m going to hand it to them.”
Madison usually tips $1 to $2 per drink. Harris recommends $5 to $10 per guest over the course of the night.
But if you get to the wedding and realize you forgot cash, don’t feel bad, Post said, as those bartenders are being compensated.