My closing Off Campus column fixes every single thing in college sports

So I’m moving on to a new gig … czar of all college sports.

Given omnipotent powers, I plan to fix everything, not subject to Congressional showboats, the NCAA Council, or even the thrones of current power, the commissioners of the Southeastern Conference and the Big Ten.

My first move … an obvious one. The NCAA men’s tournament stays at 68 teams. Don’t think about adding any more. Everyone else can play in the NIT for all I care.

Next: Resurrect the PAC-8. That’s right, 8. Arizona, Arizona State, Utah, and Colorado can move on if they wish. The actual West Coast schools aren’t going anywhere. I’m not subject to ESPN, Fox Sports, or Phil Knight’s Nike money, although Bill Walton may personally thank me if he so chooses.

I’m not subject to haughty Ivy League presidents either … Ivy athletes can now complete their eligibility in grad school instead of being forced to transfer because they’ve graduated. Congrats Ivy athletes, you also can get scholarships now, joining the rest of current Division I since you put in the same hours.

» READ MORE: Federal lawsuit takes aim at Ivy League’s policy of no athletic scholarships

One more just because I can: Every Big 5 team, men and women, has to play one home basketball game at the Palestra. I’ll get you the CYO rental rate from Penn.

As czar, I have taken counsel from a cabinet of smart folks. I’ve given a half dozen or so people anonymity with a request to fix one thing of their choice.

A big agenda item: Football and basketball (men’s and women’s) are on their own now.

That’s where the money is, but those sports have to be separated out because too many athletes in other sports are being hurt by the money chase. Here’s the new deal: League affiliations will be for those three sports only.

» READ MORE: Call it Palestra magic, but understand how Penn's upset of Villanova came about

How do we do this? I told a smart guy this would be a main agenda item.

“Federate by sport, like the U.S. Olympic Committee,” the smart guy said, meaning each sport (other than those three marquee ones) and especially the league configurations are determined from within the sport itself.

The goal is to regionalize all these sports again. No more ridiculous travel for nonrevenue sports.

Another smart guy (a “wise guy,” in his own words) had a slightly different variation on the same theme. Keep football and hoops pretty much as is.

“All other competition is regional,” the wise guy said. “Have regional NCAA headquarters. Meaning they could negotiate all the other TV contracts. It wouldn’t have to be the conferences. Maybe there are four regions, maybe five.”

This is complicated stuff, but it’s all a step in the right direction.

Next on the agenda: College athletes will be college students. New mandate: no practices between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. Break it, even for “voluntary” workouts, the whole staff is fired, including the athletic director.

Those hours are reserved for, wait for it … class. We’ve seen too much creeping morning practice at all sports, from football teams practicing from 9:30 to noon to nonrevenue sports holding alleged “voluntary” workouts during those prime hours. Enough with all of it. You want to go full John Chaney and practice at 6 a.m., you may. Otherwise, do it the old-school way, after class.

» READ MORE: Bill Zwaan finishes off a legendary college football coaching career at West Chester

Will athletes be employees?

I’m sidestepping that question, which is in the court system right now. There will be revenue sharing with athletes. If that downsizes your athletic department, so be it. If there are no profits, there’s no profit-sharing, but your books will be open.

Will NIL collectives exist?

Yep, but the NCAA’s bogus mandate that they not be used to recruit or retain athletes will be abolished. Of course they’re used to recruit or retain athletes. Why else would they exist? Of course, this is pay for play. It should be pay for play.

You see all the cries for transparency in this realm. Can you handle the truth?

Here’s transparency: Contracts are made public. You say that isn’t fair to athletes? I say it guarantees they get paid.

Here’s a little story, told to me this summer by a veteran travel-team honcho who has been around all sorts of blocks. (You think travel team leaders are so evil, why are they so often the ones staying in touch with players for life?) … There was a men’s basketball player from Philly this offseason who went into the transfer portal looking to transfer from a mid-major with high major interest, multiple schools. One school was like a dream destination.

“We had an agreement in place,” the travel team coach said, explaining that the money was “$125,000″ to start.

Then the money started going down. OK, this is all a negotiation.

“Then they canceled a visit the night before he was going to leave,” the travel team honcho said.

Flight canceled, hotel canceled. Coaches ghosting them. They’d apparently moved on to negotiating with another player. The Philly player pivoted to a non-Power 5 school with a rich tradition. He’ll be fine. The travel team honcho said he finally heard from the assistant coach, who “threw his head coach under the bus, said the head coach has concerns.”

The point: Actual cries for transparency tend to ring hollow when self-interest rules the day. Please don’t say the players now have all the power. The schools still control all the access to this whole system.

What if your school doesn’t have money for collectives, just for scholarships?

I’m creating new divisions. No more DI, DII, DIII … Now it’s professional, college, and nonscholarship. And at the college level, scholarships are guaranteed for four years. No running players off. That’s only for the pros.

» READ MORE: Former Temple football player Jarred Alwan had Stage II CTE when he died

What about Title IX implications?

Title IX, in my opinion, is the greatest thing to happen to sports in this country in my lifetime. Full stop. Sad that it’s needed, but it’s needed. I’m not messing with it. The explosion of success by elite female athletes in this country wouldn’t have happened without it. The explosion of common athletes at all levels puts the lie to lack-of-interest arguments. The levels I’ve arranged above will need to ensure Title IX rules are applied and fully enforced. (You don’t like it, get rid of your football team.)

What if your football program bleeds money?

I’m demanding full transparency. No more cooking the books. The yearly department of education forms released so often show revenues and expenses match up to the dollar for athletic departments. That’s because sports loses money and university funds (most often student “fees” or tuition dollars) are making up the difference. That still will be legal, and maybe that money is a good marketing expense, but everyone will see exactly how much is being poured into athletics.

Some athletes won’t like this one.

The transfer portal is open, but I’d go back to transfers sitting out a year — unless the head coach changes. Change coaches, everyone is free to leave, eligible at their next spot immediately.

This era of complete free agency isn’t healthy for anybody, especially in the NIL era.

“I think what’s partially at the root of it, this generation of players is different, coming out of COVID,” said a close observer of the whole recruiting scene, seeing how not everyone who goes into the portal ends up with a new spot. “Some of them are just looking for a change because they’re used to change.”

That sit-out year at least demands more reflection.

Let’s hear from a media smart person.

“One thing I’d do is a rule that gives the same type of access you get during the NCAA Tournament,” said this reporter from a big international publication.

In other words, open locker rooms, chances for more encounters away from podiums, where answers are more often canned. “I think this is less about media gripes. It’s an opportunity for athletes to build their brands, show they have a personality.”

Now, you may have realized by now that as smart as it would be to make me college czar, with far more powers than current NCAA president Charlie Baker, I can’t solve all the problems without creating others. College sports simply isn’t subject to quick fixes, after bending itself into so many knots over so many decades.

Full disclosure: I’m not actually going to get this new gig. I am, however, leaving my old one.

After 35 years, this is my last week at The Inquirer, my choice entirely.

I believe I’ve been blessed with the greatest sportswriting job in the greatest sports city on earth. I’m also completely excited about the next thing, a book on Philly hoops, on all the ways the city and region have impacted the sport. Look for it hopefully in 2025. From now on, you can reach me at jensenphillyhoops@gmail.com. Thanks for reading, truly.