10 puns that prove It’s Always Punny in Philadelphia is puns of fun

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I was asked to judge the It’s Always Punny in Philadelphia pun-off at Helium Comedy Club on Saturday, but as the contestants took the stage and left me howling at their punchlines, I was reminded that excellent wordplay is often its own reword.

If you’ve read some of my lighter work, like “Loo Review No. 2,” you may know I’m a fan of a good pun, but I’m equally a fan of bad puns. They’ve really groan on me over the years, so much so that a colleague once nicknamed me “The Punisher” because my puns can be torture (I live for your eye rolls and heavy sighs).

I’d never been to a pun competition before, but they’ve been happening across the country for years, according to Aaron Schwartzbaum, founder and host of It’s Always Punny. Schwartzbaum, 32, was a regular in the pun scene in Washington, before moving to Queen Village last year.

When he found out Philly didn’t have a pun-off, Schwartzbaum, who works in the start-up sector, decided to create one.

“You get some really kind and funny people, and everyone looks out for each other,” he said. “That’s the real goal here, building the nerd community, for this niche, at least.”

Saturday’s show marked the one-year anniversary of It’s Always Punny. Schwartzbaum is also doing pun-based trivia events at local bars to introduce people to the scene.

“It’s basically dad-joke Quizzo,” he said.

The pun-off at Helium included a round called “Pundits,” during which eight preregistered competitors performed a three-and-a-half-minute routine based on a topic of their choice. The best performers told a story with puns woven through it and not just one-liners.

Topics ranged from baby names to video games, but the undisputed winner was Cindy Heffron, a Haverford resident in her 60s whose pregnancy puns were poppin’. Heffron, a previous It’s Always Punny champ, slayed the crowd with her delivery and lines like, “I was supposed to meet my friend Jackie at a garden center yesterday, but by the time she finally arrived, I looked at my watch and said ‘E-jac-u-late!’”

The final round, called “Pundemonium,” was a round-robin-style tournament where groups of contestants picked a topic from a hat and took turns coming up with a pun off the top of their heads. The winner was Mylin Batipps Jr., 30, of Mount Laurel, who won in the final, Halloween-themed round, with puns like “My brother always tried to steal lights. You know, he’d always jack o’ lantern.”

Contestants came from all backgrounds — Heffron is a former nurse, Batipps is a public relations professional, and a few, like Amber Born, are stand-up comedians.

“I do stand-up, and I do too many puns for stand-up, which is not enough puns for this,” Born said.

As I marveled at the talent in this region and laughed with the crowd, I was thankful that Philadelphians have a healthy punchant for not taking things too literally.

After all, we are Punnsylvanians.

Here are 10 of the best puns I heard at It’s Always Punny in Philadelphia.

“I used to be a tutor. I tutored an illiterate boy named Andy, and it was my job to help Andy Reid.”

“I gotta fez up. I used to use dating apps but it’s beanie a few years now. You could say I toque a leave of absence, and that’s cause I met someone on one of them and weave got a good thing going.”

“They tell you that the (meal) prep time takes 10 minutes. You might think well 10 minutes, easy PC, but to me, that’s impossible. I can prep in 30 minutes, 20 minutes maybe, but I can’t do it Nintendo. Anyway, aside from that, I cooked everything and it turned out great. The only thing was the sauce had a bit of Atari texture to it.”

“We laughed and walked into the green house where we seamen planting seeds and then walking over to a cooler for their water breaks. Jackie yelled, ‘You call this sexcellent customer service! You don’t know the meaning of hard labor.’ I said, ‘OB calm, no need to put on a bloody show.’”

“I’m supposed to start with Greek philosophy but I’ve got too much on my Plato for that. Next, Dante’s version of hell, well, that’s inferno good reason.”

“Go Phils! They got a great team this year. They’ve got Kyle Schwarbler, they got JT Realmuteswan, and probably my favorite guy, Brandon Marshwren.”

“I have a baby cousin, and Oliver, but I don’t love the odor. I don’t love that they could have something horrible happen to them every Mila second.”

“I used to drive an ice cream truck. I squid you not. To have a job like that you have to be pretty cheerful and I’m rarely ever crabby. But I am a terrible driver of all vehicle types. Like otterly terrible. I don’t even know how to ride a bike, can you believe that? I minnow, I minnow!”

“My roommate walked in on me and my girlfriend, and I was like “Oh, I’m so sorry that the focaccia.’”

“I’m going as an Italian monster for Halloween. I’m hoping to get some gabagool.”

Schwartzbaum will hold his next pun trivia contest at Tattooed Mom on Dec. 5. For more information on that event and the next It’s Always Punny in Philadelphia pun-off, visit alwayspunnyinphilly.com.