New Hallmark holiday movie will feature Donna Kelce and a Philly Specials song

Every year on the day after Thanksgiving, I begin a monthlong indulgence of one of my favorite guilty pleasures — spoon-feeding myself buckets of sappy Hallmark holiday movies.

Though these epic works of cinematic achievement begin airing in mid-October, I make myself wait, lest they lose their tinsel-like luster.

But this year I’m going to have to make an exception because the week before Thanksgiving, Hallmark is premiering the new Philly-set Christmas on Call, featuring a cameo by Donna Kelce and a new Christmas song by the Philly Specials, the singing trio of Eagles players Lane Johnson, Jordan Mailata, and their recently-retired teammate, Jason Kelce. The song, which features Mt. Joy and appears on the Philly Specials’ upcoming third Christmas album, A Philly Special Christmas Party, is called “Santa Drives an Astrovan.”

Well, Santa can drive that van straight into my heart because this is right up my Candy Cane Lane.

I don’t even care what this movie is about. I’m going to love it. When you release 47 new holiday films in a single year — as Hallmark is doing this season — how could anything go wrong? Plus, this one is set in Philadelphia but was filmed in Winnipeg, Canada, which I’m sure Philadelphians will be totally fine with and not endlessly razz Hallmark about at all. Oh, how I’ve often heard nobody say “Winnipeg is the Philly of the Great White North!”

But if things like “plot” are important to you when it comes to holiday movies, here’s the gist: A Philly EMT and “devout Eagles fan” (played by Ser’Darius Blain) helps an ER doctor who’s new to the city (Sara Canning) familiarize herself with the “sights, sounds and tastes of Philadelphia” as they “balance duty with holiday celebrations.”

No word on whether the coworkers (who’ll probably/definitely fall in love) will have to treat an unruly Eagles fan who’s fallen off a greased pole — which is an actual scenario used to train doctors and nurses in Philly — but they will, of course, stop to get cheesesteaks. That’s because clichés fall like big, fluffy snowflakes in Hallmark holiday movies and you’d do best to just put your tongue out and eat them up.

It’s at the as-of-yet unnamed cheesesteak establishment where the film’s leads meet Donna Kelce, who appears in her son’s Eagles jersey (go Birds) and offers directions/advice/strict instructions on how to order a cheesesteak “the authentic way — ‘whiz wit’” (she’s pretty much like the Oracle from The Matrix, but for Philly).

The film is one of two Hallmark holiday movies Donna Kelce cameos in this year. The ever-egalitarian mother of retired Eagles center Jason Kelce and current Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce also has a small role as the manager of a barbecue restaurant in Hallmark’s Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story, which premieres a week after Christmas on Call.

Despite what logic might dictate, Hallmark’s Chiefs holiday movie, which also features a cameo by Andy Reid, is not about a pro football player who makes a famous pop star a friendship bracelet for Christmas, thus inspiring her to write the greatest Christmas song of all time while they spend the holidays falling in love in an ornately-decorated cabin no real person could afford in a snowy town nobody has ever heard of.

Nope, this movie is about a Chiefs fan who enters her family in a “Fan of the Year” contest and the team’s director of fan engagement, who must decide whether the fan’s family wins, as sparks fly between the two of them. Of course, the director of fan engagement doesn’t step aside due to a personal conflict — there’s no personal conflicts in Hallmark holiday movies!

Many of these holiday movies follow the same basic plot: A career woman from the big city (often a writer, photographer, or party planner) must go to a small town (usually in Connecticut, Montana, or Vermont) where she learns the true meaning of the holidays (at a tree-lighting ceremony, cookie contest, or game of dreidel) and falls in love with a guy (typically an ex, a client, or a nemesis) who wears flannel and chops his own wood (bonus if it’s his own Christmas tree).

One of the destined lovers inevitably goes full-throttle on the holidays while the other is completely focused on their career.

As my husband — who‘s only seen pieces of these movies when he’s forced to walk through the living room while I’m watching them — once said, the general plot of these films is:

Romantic lead #1: “Work! Work! Work!”

Romantic lead #2: “Christmas! Christmas! Christmas!”

The career-focused individual always relents and gets on board with the holidays and the woman from the big city usually ends up moving to the small town, where she keeps the spirit of Christmas alive in her heart all year long.

As someone who skipped out of a small town (like actually skipped I was so happy) and into this glorious big city, such a plotline should make me recoil. The fact that I can even get through these movies is highly illogical, but along with finding comfort in them, I find them pretty funny.

That big-city girl has no idea about small-town gossip, she’s going to get real sick of running into the same people at the grocery store (who want to gossip), and she’s going to quickly realize that Beyoncé concerts and airplanes don’t make stops in Ittybittytownsville, U.S.A. Also, she better make sure she’s up-to-date on her shots because the rural health-care crisis is no joke.

That’s why I’m happy to see a Hallmark holiday movie set in Philly this year. To be fair, it’s not the first, there have been at least two others — 2014′s A Royal Christmas was about a secret prince who falls in love with a Philly commoner and 2016′s A Nutcracker Christmas was about a former ballerina whose niece gets a role in the Philadelphia Ballet’s production of The Nutcracker.

If I wrote a Philly-set Hallmark holiday movie, it would be about a couple who have a meet cute in the clothing racks at Macy’s (but it would be Wanamaker’s again) as they elbow little kids getting in the way of their view of the beloved Christmas light show. They’d hide in the store after it closed and all the creepy animatronics from the Dickens Village would come alive, like in Mannequin, and the couple would have to try and survive the night. Fear would fuel their passion as they battle the possessed animatronics while Julie Andrews narrates the story of Frosty the Snowman in the background.

The lovers would emerge bloodied but alive on Christmas morning shouting, “Go Birds!” And they would never leave Philadelphia.

I’d call it, A Kick in the Dickens: A Philly Love Story.

Christmas on Call premieres at 8 p.m. Nov. 22 and Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story premieres at 8 p.m. on Nov. 30 on the Hallmark Channel.