The Phillies are offering ‘Your Name Here’ on their uniforms. Fans have a few ideas.

Earlier this month, my colleague Matt Breen wrote about new ad revenue sources the Phillies are pursuing — including sponsors for their uniforms — to cover their “giant payroll.”

Inspired by the piece, longtime Inquirer reader Sue Henick of Wyndmoor emailed me, chronicler of all things quirky, with an idea for a thought experiment:

“It would be fun for fans to suggest Philly-based companies the Phillies should rep on their jerseys irrespective of that company’s ability to pay the oodles of $ required for this honor,” she said.

I agreed (darn it, Sue, that’s such a good idea I’m mad I didn’t think of it!) and I put a callout for ideas on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter, and Threads, Meta’s text-based social media app.

Of course, there were those who argued a billion-dollar enterprise shouldn’t need a uniform sponsor, and I don’t necessarily disagree, but this hypothetical piece isn’t about logic. It’s about which sponsors would most delight in-the-know Philadelphians and utterly confuse opposing teams.

Local big hitters like Wawa, Tastykake, and Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews received several nods from readers, and while putting a flying Canada goose, Tastykake’s anthropomorphized mascot Kirbee Krimpet, or a picture of a candy bar that looks like the one in the pool in Caddyshack on the Phillies’ uniforms may bewilder our foes, I’d like to see the sponsorship dig even deeper into Philly lore.

And so, before “Jawn Morgan” swoops in like a vulture to claim the Phillies’ sleeve space, with the help of readers, I compiled this very unserious list of who should sponsor the Phillies uniforms.

Who better to give the Phillies the “hedge” they need than Four Seasons Total Landscaping, the Northeast Philly business that hosted one of the most bizarre political press conferences of the modern era.

Just like those rakish Phillies players, Four Seasons knows how to lean in when the going gets tough, and the company’s logo, which features a jaunty little branch with five happy little leaves, wouldn’t be obtrusive on the Phillies’ sleeves.

I think Philadelphians would support this partnership and any prior criticism about uniform sponsorship would prove to be mulch ado about nothing.

Independence Hall may be the most iconic building in Philly, but no structure has quite captured the hearts and minds of Philadelphians like the Boner 4Ever building on North Broad Street. It’s been the subject of watercolor paintings, pins, and even inspired a Phillies fan shirt last year (Bohmer 4Ever).

Readers pointed out that this sponsorship practically writes itself. Just like the 14-story building, which is graffitied in two large columns of letters on opposite sides, the Phillies’ uniforms could have “Boner 4Ever” on one sleeve and “Forever Boner” on the other.

The Phillies go hard, and so should their sponsor.

The only approved substance that’s allowed to be applied on baseballs — and the one that’s used by every Major League team — is Lena Blackburne Baseball Rubbing Mud, which comes from South Jersey.

Harvested in a secret location along the banks of a tributary of the Delaware River, this magic mud, which removes the gloss from baseballs so pitchers can get a better grip, is so special it’s been studied by scientists at the University of Pennsylvania.

While associating one’s name with mud usually isn’t wise, in this case I think we can make an exception. Plus, the Phillies and Lena Blackburne could save money on patches by just smearing mud onto the players’ sleeves.

Few figures in the city make outsiders ask “Is Philly a real place?” and delight residents as much as Philly Elmo. Spotting him and the Positive Movement Drumline on a random street elicits a childlike joy in the hearts of Philadelphians that’s usually reserved for the Phanatic or Jason Kelce.

Over the last few years, Philly Elmo and his drum line have become a steady presence on Broad Street during fan celebrations following Phillies playoff wins. He parts the heavy crowds, like Moses parting the Red Sea, and then busts a move, raising a party that was at a 10 to a level 11.

Sure, opposing teams may make fun of the Phillies for sporting a Sesame Street character on their arms, but the Phillies need only ask “How’s everybody doing?” in response, to send their opponents into an emotional spiral and secure a win.

“...since they share a history of collapsing,” said Center City resident Joseph Klein, a dedicated Phillies fan of more than 50 years.

Let me be blunt: I don’t want to see the Phillies promoting smoking, but it’s hard to argue that this name isn’t a perfect fit.

“C’mon ... this is the ONLY answer,” one reader argued.

While they’re now manufactured in Alabama, Phillies Blunts were first made here in 1910 under the name Philadelphia Hand Made Perfecto. But people didn’t have time for all those words and just started calling them “Phillies.” The name stuck and was eventually adopted by the company.

The brand’s red-and-white logo featuring the very name of our team would work seamlessly with Phillies uniforms. Perhaps in production, someone could just forget to put the ‘l’ in ‘Blunts’ on the patch and turn it into a baseball reference to smoke out any controversy.

Before you poo-poo this suggestion, hear me out. This city needs the Philly Phlush, its stand-alone public restroom pilot project that debuted last year, to succeed as much, if not more so, than we need the Phillies to succeed.

This sponsorship could be a way for the Phillies to show they’re invested in the future of the city beyond the ballpark while also raising the profile of these public potties.

Plus, both know a thing or two about (the) runs, foul balls, and how important it is to make sure you have your ace in the hole.

In Philly, Lew Blum Towing is a name as feared as it is reviled. The company’s signs seem to be in every parking lot with a free space and they never let anyone off the hook.

Still, they’re quick, consistent, and ruthless, just like we want the Phillies to be. And their colors — red, white, and blue — would gel well with the team’s uniforms.

This is a sponsorship that could go off without a hitch, or with several, if the Phillies need a guy to help make their opponent’s bus disappear.

A couple readers suggested the Phillies should tap into local nostalgia by repping Schmidt’s beer on their powder blue throwback uniforms.

Once a household name in Philly, Schmidt’s was founded in 1860 in Northern Liberties at what is now the Piazza. At its height in the early 1980s, it was the nation’s ninth-largest brewery.

But the last owner, Billy Pflaumer, built an estate in Cape May he called “Beer World” (as one does) and was later convicted of tax evasion. Schmidt’s went down the drain and the brewery was sold in 1987. Pabst now owns the brand.

Perhaps this brewtiful sponsorship could bring Schmidt’s back home to Philly, where it belongs. Who doesn’t love a hoppy ending?

No company has more to gain from a winning Phillies season than Renewable Lubricants, the makers of Bio-Bottle Jack Hydraulic Fluid. It’s the substance police use to grease poles around the city in advance of championship games in a Sisyphean attempt to prevent fans from climbing them.

Since this sponsorship is such a no-brainer, we’ll overlook the fact that the company is headquartered in Ohio. If the Bio-Bottle Jack folks grease the Phillies’ palms, we’ll allow them to continue greasing our poles.