The presidential debate drinking game: Philly edition
A completely unserious drinking game in honor of both the debate taking place at the National Constitution Center and Philadelphia's own Citywide Special.
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With the presidential debate between Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump scheduled at the National Constitution Center in Center City on Tuesday, Philadelphia once again finds itself the focal point of the country’s political universe. And that makes me want to drink.
When I think of the incredible and unlikely events that happened here 248 years ago and just blocks away at Independence Hall and where American politics stands today, it’s clear that things can get real weird in just a couple hundred years.
I haven’t always found presidential debates hard to swallow, but lately I’ve needed to pair them with a nice wine (no, not Chianti — Montepulciano) to help them go down not just smoothly, but at all. Because my husband can’t stomach watching the debates, that means I often find myself drinking alone and yelling at the TV, a phase which I didn’t expect to encounter until much later in life.
To remedy this, and to offer some liquid comfort to my fellow debate-curious imbibers, I’ve created a Philly-centric drinking game for this debate. Since the stakes are high, the hypothetical ABV should be too. This game — which exists solely as satire, and is in no way something I’d seriously suggest you partake in (my editors want me to be so clear on that I’ll repeat it again in a second) — will be played with Citywide Specials.
For the uninitiated, a Citywide Special in Philly is a can of cheap beer, typically Pabst Blue Ribbon, and a shot of cheap liquor, usually Jim Beam. For this game, one needs a six-pack of PBR and a bottle of Jim (a gallon of water and a sick day in the bank wouldn’t hurt either, since it’s always good to stay hydrated and to be prepared for the consequences of your actions). If you’re not a drinker, be sure to check out the Inquirer’s alcohol-free BINGO debate game. And if you are a drinker, seriously — don’t actually do this.
Our game begins as most Philly games do, with pregaming. If any of the following happen prior to the debate, follow the listed instructions:
If a candidate gets a cheesesteak at Pat’s or Geno’s in what is an obvious photo opportunity:
Drink half a beer and shake your fist at the sky while yelling: “How long will it take these politicians to learn they should go to Dalessandro’s!”
Bonus — If the words “Swiss cheese” or any other type of cheese besides the Whiz variety are spoken by the candidate at any point during the visit, pour out a shot for them because they just lost the Philly vote.
If you see a political ad on TV prior to the debate:
Take a sip of whiskey as you let the realization sink in that watching broadcast TV in the Philly market for the next two months will be its own special kind of horror show. By the time November rolls around, you’ll be begging Gus to shamelessly peddle lottery tickets to you again.
If Philadelphians find a way to tailgate outside the debate, despite extensive road closures and heightened security:
Obviously, you should join them if possible, but if you can’t, chug a beer in their honor. This is “the right of the people peaceably to assemble” our forefathers fought for so long ago.
Once the debate begins
If a candidate references the Founding Fathers:
Take a healthy gulp of beer and pour one out for Philly’s own Ben Franklin. It will help grease things up while he’s rolling over in his grave.
If a candidate says: “Bad things happen in Philadelphia” or anything negative about Philly:
Start making shirts because all of Philly is going to meme that. Again. We feed off your hate. Chug half a beer. Let the rage wash over you and the epic clapbacks burn a fire inside of you.
If President Joe Biden is mentioned:
Take a sip of beer and a sip of whiskey like you’re from Delaware and can actually buy your liquor and beer at the same store.
If a candidate or moderator offers a pandering “Go Birds:”
Find a beer bong. Chug an entire can. I can’t believe they brought the Eagles into this.
If a candidate name-checks a Philadelphian, alive or dead, famous or not:
Take one shot if they mention what neighborhood they are from, two if they do not.
Bonus — If it happens to be your neighborhood, you can take a break or take another shot (one of those things a real Philadelphian would do and one they would not, but it’s totally your call. Just saying).
If someone says “We the People” or quotes any part of the U.S. Constitution:
Shotgun a beer. Sing the chorus of “Philadelphia Freedom” without slurring. If you fail, start over.
If a candidate brings up childless cat ladies:
Find a stray cat. Adopt it. Name it after the candidate who said it plus an unexpected body part (i.e., Trump’s Toe or Harris’ Humerus). Take a shot.
If a candidate talks over their muted microphone or beyond their allotted time limit:
Take a good sip of PBR and then boo them for as long as you can with a single breath. Take another sip and another breath (maybe not in that order) and boo ‘em again. Philadelphians are obligated to boo obvious fouls, whether the recipient can hear it or not.
Four Seasons Total Landscaping gets name dropped:
Finish whatever you’ve got left because Philly remains undefeated.