We’ve analyzed the Eagles’ 2024 schedule. Sorry, they’re going to lose every single game.

Having conducted a rigorous analysis of the Eagles’ 2024 regular-season schedule, I have some bad news.

They’re going to go 0-17.

I wish there were another reasonable projection to make or conclusion to draw. Alas, there is not. Usually, predicting the outcome of each game in an NFL team’s season within hours after the schedule has been made public — before the end of the offseason, before training camp, before rosters have been set, before any significant players around the league have suffered any significant injuries — is the most foolish of fool’s errands. Not in this case. This Eagles season is sunk before it starts. Here’s how it will unfold:

Week 1: The Eagles open against Jordan Love and the Green Bay Packers in São Paulo, the largest, most cosmopolitan city in Brazil. Its social scene, according to TheCultureTrip.com, “is considered one of the most vibrant and diverse on the continent.” Can you say DISTRACTION? I knew you could. Packers 34, Eagles 14.

Week 2: The Eagles are favored against the Atlanta Falcons. Problem is, everyone at Lincoln Financial Field gets bummed out after listening to Jason Kelce weep uncontrollably for 45 minutes during the Monday Night Football telecast. Falcons 17, Eagles 13.

Week 3: First São Paulo, now New Orleans. Nightlife. Weakens. Legs. Plus, ever since Drew Brees retired and Sean Payton left, the Saints have been the most nondescript franchise in the NFL. No one knows who coaches the Saints. No one knows who plays for the Saints. So how can the Eagles possibly prepare to beat the Saints? New Orleans 21, Eagles 20.

Week 4: Tampa. In a desperate move to inspire his 0-3 team, Nick Sirianni shows film from the Eagles’ 32-9 wild-card loss to the Buccaneers. “Remember this?” Sirianni asks. “Nope,” Kellen Moore says. Jalen Hurts drops back to pass 46 times. He scrambles to his left and throws the ball out of bounds 46 times. Bucs 10, Eagles 0.

» READ MORE: The Eagles are like everyone else when it comes to the NFL draft: They know nothing. Judge them accordingly.

Week 5: The bye week. Adam Schefter reports that the Eagles have been communicating with Schefter’s new colleague at ESPN: Bill Belichick. WIP’s Howard Eskin reports that the Eagles are the best 0-4 team in NFL history.

Week 6: Cleveland’s Myles Garrett sacks Hurts seven times. “You can send me dead flowers every morning,” Sirianni says during his postgame press conference, “but don’t forget to put roses on my grave.” A.J. Brown declines to speak to reporters. Later, photos of Kenny Pickett, Dak Prescott, and the starting quarterback from St. Joseph’s Prep appear on his Twitter/X account. Browns 19, Eagles 3.

Week 7: On the first play of his first game back at MetLife Stadium, Saquon Barkley gets his first carry of the season. He makes a cut and, untouched, immediately goes down with a torn ACL. On the sideline, Sirianni screams, “Put Boston Scott in!” In the coaches’ booth, Moore says, “Who?” Giants 23, Eagles 13.

Week 8: In Cincinnati, 19 Eagles are inactive against the Bengals after a Saturday night team dinner at Skyline Chili goes horribly wrong. Joe Burrow throws for 347 yards and three touchdowns. “Hey, I played great,” Darius Slay says. Bengals 42, Eagles 17.

Week 9: The NFL flexes Eagles-Jaguars from Sunday at 8:20 p.m. to Tuesday at 10:20 a.m. Doug Pederson calls the “Philly Special” twice, then phones Nick Foles from the sideline to have him call it once. All three plays result in touchdowns. Bryce Huff picks up his first sack of the season. Jacksonville 27, Eagles 24.

Week 10: Three hours before kickoff at AT&T Stadium, the Eagles announce via press release that Vic Fangio has been demoted from defensive coordinator to quality-control assistant. His replacement, Joe Judge, has Huff drop into coverage 17 times against the Cowboys. Brandon Graham plays every defensive snap. Dallas 37, Eagles 20.

Week 11: Washington Commanders owner Josh Harris arrives at the Linc for his team’s Thursday night matchup against the Eagles wearing gold trousers, a burgundy turtleneck, and a New Jersey Devils baseball cap. “Regardless of the Sixers’ arena situation,” he says in a brief pregame interview, “the Sixers are committed to keeping the Sixers in Philadelphia.” Commanders 24, Eagles 19.

Week 12: Two days before the Eagles leave for Los Angeles to take on the Rams, The Inquirer’s Jeff McLane tracks down Fangio at the Philadium while the former DC is having lunch. “Team needs to practice more,” Fangio says between bites of his buffalo wings. “Leave it at that.” Matthew Stafford throws for 377 yards and four touchdowns. “I shut down my guy,” Slay says. Rams 49, Eagles 30.

Week 13: While Belichick is sitting next to him during Sunday NFL Countdown, Schefter reports that behind-the-scenes talks between Belichick and the Eagles have heated up. “We’re on to Carolina,” Belichick mumbles. Eskin reports that Sirianni’s job has never been safer. In the third quarter at M&T Stadium, Lamar Jackson gains 27 yards on a scramble near the visitors’ sideline. There, Eagles head of security Dom DiSandro unveils a samurai sword and challenges him to a duel. Ravens 38, Eagles 28.

Week 14: In a clash of winless teams, Carolina collects minus-3 yards of total offense before its final possession, when it drives 97 yards for the winning touchdown. Hurts finishes 10-for-29 for 145 yards and two interceptions. “The main thing is the main thing,” he says, “and we have to keep the main thing the main thing because the main thing is what the main thing is.” Panthers 10, Eagles 9.

Week 15: Sirianni benches Hurts for Pickett ahead of a home game against the Steelers. “The standard is the standard,” Hurts says. “Only I know what the standard is, and no one knows if I was playing to the standard. Was I? Were you? Who am I? Why am I here?” Against his former team, Pickett throws three interceptions. McLane reports that at the trade deadline, Howie Roseman had offered the Steelers four future sixth-round picks, then six future fourth-round picks, for Russell Wilson. Steelers 16, Eagles 10.

» READ MORE: The NFL wants to rule the world. Jeffrey Lurie is happy to have the Eagles help.

Week 16: Commanders rookie Jaylen Daniels throws for 447 yards and five touchdowns. “I’ve never played better,” Slay says. An empty section of seats at FedEx Field collapses for no apparent reason. “This is a disgrace, Mike Quick,” Merrill Reese says during the radio broadcast. “Yep,” Quick responds, “and the stadium is awful, too.” Washington 45, Eagles 28.

Week 17: The Eagles hold a pregame ceremony to celebrate the career of Fletcher Cox, who then signs a one-day contract and starts for them at defensive tackle. The Cowboys’ Ezekiel Elliott rushes for 154 yards on 21 carries, then retires. Tanner McKee gets his first NFL start and completes 17 of 29 passes for 177 yards. The next day, a parade is held in Fox Chase in his honor. Dallas 26, Eagles 16.

Week 18: Schefter reports that the Eagles will make a decision about Sirianni’s future after consulting with Belichick on the matter. Eskin reports that he never liked Sirianni who was never a good coach anyway. Nolan Smith takes down Daniel Jones for his first sack of the season. Giants 28, Eagles 14.