The best and worst Philly accents in movies

Like the screech of an owl, it’s hard to describe the Philly accent, but you know it when you hear it. To these ears, its finest occurrences in popular culture are the nasally, rambling intro to “Bitchin’ Camaro” by punk heroes The Dead Milkmen, and the supple mumbles of Kate Winslet in HBO’s Mare of Easttown. Kate coming home at 10 p.m. with an armload of cheesesteaks just in case anybody’s hungry and getting into yelling matches with Jean Smart? That is peak Delco dialect.

But that’s TV. When it comes to movies, most actors don’t even try.

Mannequin, Trading Places, Rocky — these films look like Philly, as established by The Inquirer’s 50 Best Philly Movies list — but never really sound like it, with the possible exception of a few locals sprinkled around. Judging by their accents, nobody in Philadelphia is actually from Philadelphia.

Of course, part of the issue is good old-fashioned code-switching. From an early age, we the people of the Delaware Valley have learned to tamp down our so-called “hoagiemouth” to blend in with the rest of the country. Outsiders don’t understand us. Like, literally. When we say “twenty” they hear “twunny.” When we say “towel” they hear “tao” or “tail.” When we say “water,” they don’t know what the hell we’re talking about.

So we rein in those runaway “ew” sounds when we travel, and try not to say “yous guys” to people we’d like to hire and/or respect us.

Can you imagine if Brad Pitt had gone full Philly in World War Z? No one would’ve taken him seriously and we’d all be zombies right now. (Zombies, I believe, have a Maryland accent.)

Another problem is casting. Our fine local actors don’t seem to get those fine local roles. (Quick! Somebody write a screenplay about the Great Latex Spill of 2023, starring Da’Vine Joy Randolph, David Morse, Colman Domingo, Kevin Bacon, and Tina Fey.)

Of course, the Philadelphia accent has enjoyed/suffered some representation on the big screen over the years. You just have to know where to look, and what to listen for. Here then is a survey of the highs and lows of the hoagiemouth in Hollywood history.

Some say you can detect a slight “that’s-naught-a-knoife” inflection here and there, but I’d say the Aussie actress delivers the most finely tuned reproduction of a Philadelphia accent in movie history. Collette sands down her Ts and inhales her Os, and does it all with a blue-collar, weary-mom head tilt that just feels right. Given how many movies M. Night Shyamalan has made around here, of course he’s represented on this list. But, looking over the Chester County director’s oeuvre, you’ll be hard-pressed to see more than a few instances of the accent. It’s just not a priority for him.

Somehow an actress from Los freakin’ Angeles has to-date provided the most authentic example of hoagiemouth in the ever-expanding Rocky Cinematic Universe. Bianca taking Apollo’s kid out for steaks at Max’s and a lesson in the proper usage of jawn was a big moment for introducing certain aspects of Philly culture to the rest of the world — for better or for worse. Given how frequently jawn has been slapped onto sandwiches and law firm billboards in the last decade, the mayor may need to intervene.

When you got it, you got it. Watch the baby shower scene, it’s a lovely chorus of Delco/Main Line/Pennsport inflections. Sounds like a bunch of ducks tumbling down a waterfall. In a good way.

Look, it was a good movie, and I’m not begrudging William Hurt his Oscar nomination or his Sam Ash-greeter goatee, but this movie kept teasing the arrival of Philly mobsters and each one showed up yapping like central casting mooks. Meanwhile, Norristown’s own Maria Bello played a Midwesterner and had to hide her light under a bushel basket.

A bit too North Jersey, Bob. And don’t even get me started on The Irishman. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Bradley Cooper had the hometown advantage, so let us instead sing the praises of another classy Aussie actress. Weaver dons an Iggles jersey and says “Paat you owe us en apahlgy” like a real-deal Delco mom-mom. Cozy as cold marinara on tomata pie. Australians know what’s up.

The adorable actress warned The Inquirer a full year ahead of time that the Philly accent was too difficult, and that she’d decided on a general “New York-New Jersey-Philadelphia lower-class accent” for Brian De Palma’s Bicentennial thriller. A killer movie for seeing the city at its grittiest, but she and John Travolta sound like they were beamed in from off the set of Guys and Dolls.

Like COVID or whack-a-mole, the Boston accent keeps trying to fight its way back. Wahlberg had moderate success remembering to pronounce his Rs in his portrayal of Eagles great Vince Papale. Affleck, meanwhile, might’ve bit off more than he could chew in his portrayal of a South Philly congressman in this 2009 political thriller. (The New York Times said he sounded “as thick and inauthentic as low-fat cream cheese.”)

Don’t sleep on this straight-to-streaming time line-twisting thriller from Pottstown-born director Jim Mickle. Then stay up all night thinking about Michael C. Hall’s accent. Is it great? Is it terrible? Is it weird because we’ve watched so much Dexter and know that’s not how he talks? Do we find it insulting because we refuse to admit that’s how we talk?

It’s thicc. It’s divisive. But maybe it works?

See, In the Shadow of the Moon is an intense, bizarre movie and it deserves an intense, bizarre acting choice. There’s a whole scene where Philly police cruisers come rolling along a beach. How did this happen? Is there a beach in Roxborough I don’t know about? So weird. So byoo-dee-ful. Look at all that wooder.