The NHL makes its triumphant* return (*brought to you by Triumph Brewing Co.) | Mike Sielski

News item: The National Hockey League announced on Tuesday that it had sold the naming rights of its four divisions this season to corporate sponsors. The divisions will be called the MassMutual NHL East, the Scotia NHL North, the Discover NHL Central, and the Honda NHL West. Last month, the league had revealed that teams would have advertisements on their players’ helmets in an attempt to help recoup lost revenue from the pandemic.

“Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the Wells Fargo Center for tonight’s game between the Flyers, sponsored by Pat’s Steaks, and the New York Rangers, sponsored by Murray’s Bagels. I’m Jim Jackson. Alongside me is Keith Jones. Good to be able to drop the puck on a big MassMutual NHL East matchup, and speaking of good drops, tonight’s opening faceoff is brought to you by Maxwell House. Jonesy, the Flyers have been rolling lately, thanks to one man: goaltender Carter Hart.”

“Right you are, J.J. And let’s not forget: That’s officially a Brawny Paper Towel roll for the Flyers and Hart. Looking forward to this one tonight.”

“Flyers control the puck off the draw, Kevin Hayes moving it over to Travis Konecny, and that pass is brought to you by United Van Lines, America’s No. 1 moving company. Konecny makes a Maytag gentle-cycle spin around a man and heads through the neutral zone. Up front for the Flyers are Konecny-Hayes-van Riemsdyk, and that line is sponsored by Chapman’s Chrysler Dodge Jeep Ram.”

“Of Horsham.”

“Thank you, Jonesy. Konecny, of course, sporting a Primo’s Hoagies decal on his helmet. Primo’s: Baked Fresh, Sliced Fresh, Made Fresh. And as Konecny dumps the puck in, fresh troops on the ice for the Flyers: Sean Couturier, Claude Giroux, and Jake Voracek.”

“Gotta correct you there, J.J. We’re now contractually obligated to call him ‘Jake from State Farm.’”

“Thanks for the reminder there, pal. It’s gonna take a while to get used to these new official names. Anyway, the Rangers take the puck away and cycle back into their own zone, and that cycle brought to you by Harley-Davidson. Harley-Davidson: Live to Ride, Ride to Live. And riding up the middle of the ice now, carrying the puck, is Jesper Fast, sponsored by Firefox Quantum: Fast for Business; Dairy Queen: It’s not Fast Food, It’s Fan Food; and FedEx Same-Day Delivery. Need fast delivery on your time-sensitive packages? Choose FedEx.”

“Sorry to interrupt, J.J. But it looks like Jesper lost the puck, and the Flyers are on a counter rush.”

“Way to be on the ball, Jonesy. That turnover by Fast, incidentally, sponsored by Termini Brothers Bakery of South Philadelphia. But now here comes Jake charging through the neutral zone … across the blue line … and he’s tripped up! Penalty coming up on the Rangers, and the Flyers are going on … the PECOOOOOO ... power play.”

“You’re stealing Lou Nolan’s line, J.J.”

“A play-by-play guy under a mandate to read gratuitous advertisements to help restore financial stability to a professional sports league does what a play-by-play guy under a mandate to read gratuitous advertisements to help restore financial stability to a professional sports league has to do, my friend. Flyers send out their No. 1 power-play unit: Ivan Provorov, Hayes, Couturier, Giroux, and Konecny. That lineup is brought to you by Krasno, Krasno & Onwudinjo, for all your personal-injury needs.”

“Just call 1-800-KRASNOS.”

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“Speaking of needs, Jonesy, the Flyers need a power-play goal. They’re scoreless in their last 12 opportunities with the man advantage. And gentlemen, if you’ve been scoreless lately in your opportunities, be sure to try Cialis. Couturier wins the draw, back to Giroux. Winds up … drive … knocked down … loose in front … and the Rangers shoot it down the ice.”

“Strong play by the Rangers’ defense there, J.J., to clean up things and clear the zone. And when you need to clean up and clear away dirt, get yourself a Scrub Daddy, the official sponge of the NHL.”

“Now the Flyers regroup but enter the offensive zone too early. Maybe they should have tried AutoZone. If you want to get in the zone, AutoZone. Offsides is called. Play is stopped. Faceoff at center ice.”

“You know, J.J., trade rumors are hot and heavy around the Rangers, especially involving the Los Angeles Kings, all them revolving around forward Dustin Brown, who is 36 and in his 17th season in the league. These trade rumors are brought to you by UPS, which is perfect because the Rangers are a young team, not looking to get older, and people are asking them, ‘What can Brown do for you?’”

“Flyers win the draw and dump the puck in along the right-wing boards – that right-wing dump-in sponsored by Bass Pro Shops. And the Rangers fire the puck back across the ice – that left-wing clear brought to you by Nike – and down toward Carter Hart, who sets the puck up for Provorov. And remember: If you’re tired of being set up on bad blind dates, try eharmony.com, the official dating site of the Philadelphia Flyers.”

“Love is closer than you think, J.J.”

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“Provorov picks up the puck, and here he comes on the rush. Dekes around one man, makes another move … top of the circle … shot … HE SCORES! … And the Flyers take a 1-0 lead. Provorov had speed, and he had the puck on his stick, and you know what that means: This Flyers goal sponsored by Speed Stick. Speed Stick: Don’t Sweat It. Handle It. Just like Ivan Provorov handled that puck, am I right, Jonesy?”

“Byyyy … Mennen.”