How to cope with the stress of sending a kid to college

Having a child leave for college is a transition for the entire family.

Parents can find the change particularly difficult in the months leading up to and immediately after a child departs, usually the time period from the summer into the fall. Philadelphia therapists say some can feel anxious, depressed, and even a sense of loss. Single parents and empty nesters can be struck by loneliness, while couples could find themselves facing a new phase in their relationship.

The Inquirer talked with two local therapists about how parents can navigate the transition and ensure the newfound anxiety doesn’t take a toll on relationships.

So you left your child on a college campus and drove away. Now what?

Establishing routines can reduce the anxiety that comes with the separation, said Angelle Richardson, a couples and family therapist and assistant professor at Thomas Jefferson University’s community and trauma counseling program. She recommends that parents discuss with their child how often they are going to call and visit home. Negotiate exactly what the routine looks like, such as the frequency of calls and texts. Talking once a day might be too much for the child, but a weekly check-in can be something that all look forward to.

Parents usually feel less anxious once a new routine settles in, Richardson said.

The flip side to setting up a routine is discussing what new boundaries are needed. Your family now includes a young adult who is responsible for choices that you used to make for them, from what’s for dinner to how they manage their time. And parents are no longer bound by the same household responsibilities.

“The young person gets to know that they’re an adult ... and that you respect their boundaries,” Richardson said. “You get to have some, too.”

For example, a parent can make clear that they won’t show up unannounced on campus to visit. And a parent might request a text message before the child withdraws cash from a shared debit card.

Parenting is work. Not having to keep up with your college student’s daily needs can free up time. One way to make sure that you don’t fill that time with worry is to invest it back in yourself.

Join a running or book club, make plans to go out with friends, explore a new hobby or return to one that you have neglected. Use for yourself the time that you would have been driving your child to practice, or doing anything else for them, Richardson says.

Having a child out of the home doesn’t only affect parents, it shifts the entire family dynamic.

In addition to yourself, reinvest time and energy in your romantic relationship and other children, says George James, a licensed marriage and family therapist and chief innovation officer at Council for Relationships, a Philadelphia mental health nonprofit.

Consider going on date nights and planning getaways. If you have other children at home, check in with them, too. Making sure that the new family order works for everyone will require conversations.

Hearing from other parents that what you and your child are going through is actually normal can be comforting.

Sometimes parents are stressed when they learn details about their child’s day-to-day life in college, James says, whether it is a new relationship or how much time they are spending in the library.

“You won’t necessarily realize that what your child is experiencing is normal until you ask around,” James said.

Formal counseling with a mental health provider can also help if feelings of anxiety, stress, depression, or loss are overwhelming — or even if you just want to talk things through.

» READ MORE: How to prepare for your meeting with a therapist

There are many reasons for parents to be concerned about young people being alone. College campuses have resources to help. Many campuses will support students with counseling, health care, and nutritional needs. There also are often centers for LGBTQ students and an office of accessibility for people with disabilities.

Get familiar with those resources and discuss them with your child.

“Even though you can’t control, you can still advocate,” James said.