Zoom intimacy and creative sexting: How COVID-19 has changed the way Philadelphians have sex

When Juan’s long-term relationship ended the same day Philadelphia announced its first COVID-19 case and started the citywide shutdown, he knew the isolation to come would be a challenge.

So Juan, 33, created profiles on a handful of dating apps, including Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and OkCupid.

“It was tough because it was the peak of COVID and I was talking to a lot more people but not meeting up,” said Juan, who asked to be identified by only his first name to protect his job. “People were really nervous. But I did connect with some people, which led to Zoom dates. And sometimes those dates would end with mutual masturbation on video, which was wild and unexpected, but super hot.”

The pandemic has undoubtedly altered how people have sex. For some, despite — or perhaps because of — spending more time than ever with their partners, this year has led to a noticeable decrease in sexual activity. For others, it has forced them to get more creative in expressing their sexuality.

“While lockdown has been devastating to a lot of people’s sexualities, there is a benefit to less sex for a lot of people,” said Thomas Wood, a therapist at the Relationship and Sex Therapy Collective in Center City. “Maybe they felt overwhelmed by social pressures and expectations, and lockdown has brought them focus and they feel like they now have more control over the pacing of sex. That’s been hugely helpful.”

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A study by researchers at Indiana University last June found that nearly half of 1,100 respondents reported some kind of change — most commonly, a decrease — in their sexual behavior during the pandemic. In a survey published that same month by Lovehoney, an online retailer of sex toys, 19% of respondents isolating with a partner said they weren’t having sex at all.

“People manage stress in a variety of ways,” said Chris Fariello, the founder and director of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy. “Some people manage stress through sexual means. … I have seen a few instances of partners wanting more sex to relieve boredom, anxiety and stress. But for the majority of people, stress is an inhibitor to the sexual dynamic. And there are so many levels of stress happening during this time that people’s interest in sex just really declined.”

At the same time, social distancing measures have not ended sex. A survey by Match.com found that nearly half of Gen Z and a third of millennials who reported being sexually active have had sex with a non-romantic roommate. Additionally, sex toy sales have soared — Adam and Eve reported a 30% increase in sales last March and April, compared with 2019.

Tatyannah, a 25-year-old student and sex blogger in the Philadelphia area, said the last year has been “really weird for my sex life.”

“At the start of the pandemic, in March or April, my sex drive was through the roof,” said Tatyannah, who asked to be identified by just her first name for professional reasons. “Part of that was because everything was really new and I had nothing but time. But four months into the pandemic, it was like my sex drive was nonexistent. It was the only time in my life that I had no desire at all, and it was because of the pandemic.”

Fern Formel, a therapist specializing in sex at Therapy for Women in Old City, said a decrease in sexual desire could be the result of the monotony of the pandemic.

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“We all know what’s causing it,” Formel said. “There’s not a whole lot of excitement in our lives anymore. If you’re doing the same thing every day, how are you supposed to spark that sexual, romantic feeling?”

Losing her sex drive was jarring, Tatyannah said, because “sex is a big part of who I am and what I do.” She described the lack of sex in her life as something that made her feel as if she “lost her superpowers.” But in recent months, Tatyannah, who is in a long-distance relationship, has tried to bring some creativity into her life as she adjusts to a lower sex drive.

“I’ve tried being more creative with the sexting that I do,” she said. “And trying things like dirty talking through voice notes. Or I’ll do a sexy pose in front of my partner instead of having penetrative sex. I definitely don’t feel as confident because my sex drive is lower, but I’m hoping within three to four months, that my sex drive and sex life will return to normal.”

Wood said he has seen more people express their sexuality in new ways over the pandemic. Some use apps to find friends with benefits, while others are using OnlyFans, a content subscription service that is popular with sex workers.

“New technology has shifted and changed access to sex or what people are doing with their sexuality,” Wood said. “While I don’t know how long this is going to last, I’ve noticed that people have found out that they are OK and can be OK in a relationship or on their own. They have faced their intimacy fears and they know they don’t need to have sex to be a full human being.”

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People need to give themselves some empathy and patience when it comes to sex during the pandemic, Tatyannah said.

“It’s normal outside of the pandemic for people’s sex drives and lives to fluctuate,” she said. “There are going to be times when they want to make love and there are also going to be hard times when they don’t have as much time to invest in sex. But I would say that it’s important not to completely put it aside.”

Fariello said some clients have become more clever in the ways that they’re having sex.

“They’re no longer waiting until the end of the day because they’re exhausted then,” he said. “Instead, they’re doing things like putting the kids in front of the TV and running to the other room.”

Being more intentional with intimacy, such as planning a very specific date night or cooking a meal together, can also help, Formel said.

“Intimacy doesn’t always look like sex,” she said. “Most of all, communication is key. Talk with your partner and share that you would like to have sex ‘X’ number of times a month, and ask them if they would like to have sex more, as well.”

Juan gets tested regularly for COVID-19 because of his job, so he eventually became more comfortable with meeting dates in person after discussing testing and quarantine practices. Some of those dates have ended with sex.

“In a sense, this has made me more communicative in a lot of ways,” Juan said. “It’s allowed me to articulate what I’m looking for and where I’m at and what I’m not into. I’ve never had more sex than in the past year. And I haven’t had a COVID scare from any of my dates … yet.”