Teens are turning to porn to learn about sex. Here’s how to be a better source of information for them. | Expert Opinion

A recently released report from Common Sense Media found that 75% of teens have seen online porn by age 17. The average age of first exposure to pornography was 12, and 15% of kids have seen pornography at age 10 or younger.

Almost half of the 1,358 youths surveyed for this report sought out pornographic images. A top reason for consuming pornography was a desire to learn more about their own sexuality.

Talking to kids about sex is not easy for many parents and primary caregivers, but the abundance of pornography in the lives of our children makes it more crucial than ever that we find a way to communicate.

Here are some important lessons teens won’t get from watching pornography that you may consider discussing with them:

In this national sample, only a third of the teens said they’d ever seen pornography that included someone asking for consent. More than half said they had seen “violent and/or aggressive pornography including media that depicts what appears to be rape, choking or someone in pain.”

Talk to your teens about the importance of consent and explain that healthy sex is part of a loving relationship. “In our family, we do not hurt people, or ever touch them without permission” is a statement that can be made, in context, to a child of any age.

A top reason for consuming pornography was a desire to learn more about their own sexuality.

The report found that 43% of Black youth, 31% of Latino youth, and 46% of Asian youth had negative feelings of racial or ethnic stereotypes portrayed in the pornographic images.

Make clear to your children that all bodies are special and beautiful. Make sure they know that their self-perception should never be dependent on others.

Pornography’s purpose is to arouse, and arousal starts in the part of the brain that manages instincts, such as breathing and goosebumps. Children and teens watching pornography may experience their initial intense sexual arousal while seeing images of violent, racist, and misogynist content that leaves them feeling disgusted or frightened.

Basic psychology teaches us that feelings that happen simultaneously can get “stuck together,” a phenomenon called “contiguity of stimuli.” Anyone who has suddenly felt hungry when walking past a bakery with the scent of fresh bread wafting into the street has experienced this.

Early experiences that link sexual arousal to negative feelings can interfere with a person’s ability to develop loving, mutually enjoyable sexual relations. Before youths experience pornographic images online, it is critical that they understand that a physical, genital reaction to the images does not define their sexuality.

It is part of the human experience to be physically aroused by behaviors that would never be considered in real life. The ability to learn not to act on an instinctive desire is a key feature of any society.

Make clear to your children that all bodies are special and beautiful. Make sure they know their self-perception should never be dependent on others.

Most important, let your children know that you are available if they have questions. The Common Sense Media report confirms that they want to be able to talk to you about this.

Some additional resources for parents and teens include: Sex, Etc. SexWiseParent.com and the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Janet Rosenzweig is author of The Sex-Wise Parent, a senior policy analyst for The Institute for Human Services, and a member of the Executive Committee National Coalition to Prevent Child Sexual Abuse and Exploitation.