How to talk to kids about the Roxborough High School shooting

On Tuesday, five high school students were shot after a football scrimmage at Roxborough High School. One has died.

Whether you are talking to children directly affected by this latest school shooting, ongoing neighborhood violence, or the death of a loved one, guiding them through this emotional thicket can be tough. You may be asking yourself:

How much should you tell children?

How do you make them feel better?

And when carrying your own emotions — plus theirs — becomes too much, is it OK to let them see you cry?

» READ MORE: At least one teen victim was targeted in shooting at Roxborough High School; Philly officials looking for five suspects

Philadelphia-area grief counselors urge parents and guardians to be honest with their children. That means candid conversations, answering their questions and being open about how we are feeling, too.

Over the years, The Inquirer has gathered advice from psychologists, grief counselors, and support groups to help families navigate difficult times.

Here’s how they addressed some common questions:

Use your best judgment, based on your child’s personality and personal experience, said Darcy Walker Krause, former executive director of the Uplift Center for Grieving Children in Philadelphia.

The Inquirer talked to Krause in February, shortly after Russia had invaded Ukraine, and she encouraged parents to consider carefully whether they need to shield their children from violence and current events. Even young children may be aware of the issue. At the same time, don’t push your child to talk if they seem resistant when you raise the subject, she said.

People often avoid talking to young children about death or tragedy, but this can lead them to draw incorrect connections — for instance believing they are somehow at fault for what happened, said Bethany Gardner, the director of bereavement programs at Eluna, a Philadelphia-based nonprofit that provides youth grief counseling. She talked to The Inquirer last September about children grieving with COVID-19 deaths.

» READ MORE: Philly’s kids are grieving alone from the far-reaching trauma of gun violence, advocates say

Consider your child’s developmental stage, Krause said. Teens and older adolescents may have heard and read about the situation or discussed it with friends or at school. Younger children may be more concerned about whether the violence will directly affect their own safety. Families with large age gaps between children may want to have separate conversations with younger and older siblings.

Regardless of a child’s age, the goal is to ease concerns, clear up misinformation or confusion, and answer questions.

“The most important thing to ground yourself as a parent is to remember that our children look to us for a sense of protection and security,” Stephanie Krauthamer-Ewing, a developmental psychologist and associate professor at Drexel University, told The Inquirer in February.

Resist the parental urge to be a problem solver. Instead, focus on listening to your child and let them guide the conversation.

» READ MORE: Philly is grieving after the South Street mass shooting. Grief is normal, but experts worry about ‘stuck inside’ feelings

Acting out, feeling sad, and carrying on as if nothing happened are all normal reactions to death for children, said Kevin Carter, the clinical director of Uplift, which runs 200 support groups for children in Philadelphia public schools, who offered advice for kids coping with the loss of a loved one due to COVID-19 in a September 2021 interview. While talk therapy is often helpful for adults, children may be better able to express their emotions through art or music.

Everyone has their own process for handling grief, but for children, the process is even more varied because their emotional intelligence is still developing. How children interpret death and their coping mechanisms will likely evolve as they reach new developmental phases.

Older children who are able to understand death may struggle with the indefinite feelings of sadness and loss they are experiencing. Others may cope relatively well with a death initially, only to experience extreme grief years later.

» READ MORE: ‘No words to describe the pain’: Mothers in Charge gathered to remember Philly’s gun violence victims

Grief may never disappear — but its intensity usually decreases.

But when prolonged, grief could be a problem. This year the American Psychiatric Association designated prolonged grief as a formal disorder that is part of the field’s diagnostic manual. A child could meet the criteria for the disorder if their period of intense grief lasts longer than six months after a loss. For adults, the threshold is one year.

Prolonged grief can leave school-aged kids struggling academically at school and result in their becoming socially isolated, Nadine Melhem, an associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Pittsburgh, whose research informed the diagnosis, told The Inquirer after a mass shooting on South Street last June.

Just be there and ask what they need.

Allowing people who are grieving to express what they are feeling can help by itself. Grieving together and being among people who feel the same can also be comforting.

The Racial Justice Organizing Committee, a grassroots group of Philadelphia School District teachers working toward antiracist goals, put together a resource with proposed actions that can help process the tragedy at Roxborough. For students who need to take care of themselves they recommend reading a book, doing yoga, talking to a friend, or reaching out for help. For students who need to take time to reflect, they recommend journaling or writing an obituary for a victim of gun violence, whether or not it is someone you know. The teachers also recognize that some students might want to just continue their routine and do class work.

There is no wrong reason to reach out for help — and help is available.