Dear Abby | Sister ready to confront late brother’s abusive wife

DEAR ABBY: My brother died of cancer a year ago. During his entire 50-year marriage, I felt bad about the way his wife treated him. She snapped at him and bit his head off from the time they were first married until his death, even while he was dying. Never once did I hear him speak harshly in return.

I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to make things worse for him. He was an easygoing, warm, fun person who was loved by many throughout his life. Now that he’s gone, I’d really like to speak my piece to my sister-in-law. I think it would help me heal to finally say what needed to be said but I never could. I don’t care that it might end my relationship with her. There are two now-adult children, one of whom I am very close to. Your thoughts?

— CONFLICTED IN IOWA

DEAR CONFLICTED: If you do what you are contemplating, it will likely end your relationship with at least one of your brother’s children. Before approaching your brother’s widow, have a discussion with the adult child with whom you are close. Explain how watching your brother be verbally abused by his wife, even on his deathbed, made you feel. Say you do not wish to lose the close relationship you enjoy with him/her, but that now, for the sake of your own healing from the loss of your brother, you finally intend to air those feelings to their mother. Because you don’t plan to have anything more to do with the woman, you can speak your mind.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man who has been having an affair with a married man for the last three years. They have been separated for a year, but no one has filed for divorce. I know he wants a future with me, but I’m not sure if he’s brave enough to take the next step.

His wife is still “praying the gay away” and still thinks the marriage can work. She sends him biblical verses and worship songs regularly. He has always been gay, but because of how he was raised and his religious upbringing, he felt he had to live a fake life. Although his family isn’t accepting, my family is, and they have met him. My question is, how long do I wait? I don’t want to waste my life away waiting on someone else to determine my future.

— CINDERFELLA IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CINDERFELLA: You stated that your lover is separated from his wife. One would think that after a year on his own he would have become more comfortable about his sexual orientation. The time has come to tell him that unless he’s willing to seek counseling from a licensed therapist who can help him figure out who he is and who he wants to be, you will have to move on.

Living in limbo the way you are is unhealthy for you and HIM. I hope your next relationship, if there has to be one, will be with an out gay man who is unattached and available.