My favorite Martian | Lisa Scottoline

Don’t worry, I’ve got this figured out.

Of course, I’m talking about the recent UFO sighting.

First, let me explain.

I don’t know whether there are UFOs.

Nor am I prone to conspiracy theories.

Except that I totally believe chocolate cake is conspiring with spaghetti to thwart my diet.

It’s not my fault.

Forces combine to destroy my waistline.

The UFO sighting happened on Feb. 21, when the pilot of Flight 2292 of American Airlines was flying over New Mexico and reported seeing a UFO. He was quoted thusly: “I hate to say this, but it looked like a long cylindrical object that almost looked like a cruise-missile type of thing moving really fast right over the top of us.”

Before I go further, I believe this pilot.

I love the “I hate to say this.”

I mean, nobody likes to deliver bad news, especially the end of the world as we know it.

And “a cruise-missile type of thing” is a bomb.

Understand this happened at 35,000 feet up.

And there was “no significant military aircraft presence” in the area.

The area is air.

The FAA verified that the pilot had made this report.

It seems legit for a UFO sighting, but everything is relative.

In other words, it’s more likely a UFO sighting than me having sex again.

To return to point, everyone is speculating about what this UFO could be and which planet it came from.

But I know the answer.

See, I’m a mystery writer.

And I figured out the mystery.

It’s Ray Walston.

If you don’t know who that is, don’t look it up just yet.

If you do, it’s funny, right?

We get each other.

All of our references are 85 million years old.

No one else understands us.

The good news is, we don’t care.

It’s like that Steely Dan song “Hey Nineteen.”

Only it’s “Hey Sixty.”

So let me explain my conspiracy theory:

Three days before the UFO sighting, on Feb. 18, we landed a robot called Perseverance on Mars.

Amazing!

By the way, if I had a robot, I would name it something better than Perseverance.

Like Bradley Cooper.

And I wouldn’t land it on Mars.

I would get it upstairs immediately.

And we would persevere.

Anyway, Perseverance took pictures of Mars and sent them back home. I even watched a video of the landing on my phone.

Yes, we live in a time when we can watch something happening on another planet from a phone in our hand.

Yet we still can’t find the remote.

I can’t explain everything.

But here’s what I can explain:

I think the UFO sighting and the Mars landing are related.

In other words, we landed on Mars, so Mars is landing on us.

Or at least checking us out.

It’s like Match, but for Mars.

Martch.

The good news is somebody is looking at our profile.

The bad news is it has metal antennae.

Like Ray Walston, who was the star of My Favorite Martian, a TV show that was popular in the Jurassic.

In other words, my childhood.

No matter, I would date a Martian.

I look good in red.

And I like it hot.

Anyway it’s solid conspiracy theory. We land on Mars and three days later, we see a UFO. Sounds like cause and effect to me.

But wait, there’s more.

You may have also heard that on Feb. 22, the very next day after the UFO sighting from the plane, an engine caught fire on another plane, United Airlines Flight 328 to Hawaii.

You may have seen that video, too.

Because we live in a time when you can watch a flaming plane from a phone in your hand, which will lead you to wonder how a passenger on the same plane has the presence of mind to film such a thing when you would be screaming, crying, and using profanity yet to be invented.

So are you connecting the conspiratorial dots?

We land on Mars, then one of our planes encounters a UFO, and another one blows an engine.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

I don’t believe in a Deep State conspiracy.

I believe in a Deep Space conspiracy.

I hate to say this.

Mars attacks.

Look for Lisa’s first historical novel, “Eternal,” coming on March 23,. Also look for Francesca’s debut novel, “Ghosts of Harvard,” on sale now.