his week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):
At school drop-off, a mother likes to hover around the kids and discipline all of them for every little thing. If there were any actual issues, we’d step in, of course, but if they’re bumping into each other on purpose and laughing, for example, she tells them things like “Stop doing that, it’s almost school time!” or “Francesca doesn’t like that!” (Not the kid’s real name.) Also it’s very clear that Francesca does in fact like it, so we just tell our kids it’s fine. The mom stands right over her daughter and says things like, “We don’t do that, right?” It’s very performative and very annoying.
Now I respect that she can parent her kid however she wants to, but forcefully talking to our kids is driving some of us nuts. I believe kids usually can and should work out issues amongst themselves (again, though, we haven’t actually seen an issue!). She’s not only a helicopter parent, she’s a military-helicopter parent hovering over her kid and attacking the rest. Do we just keep telling our kids it’s fine and maybe, in private, tell them to not listen to her or do we take her aside and tell her what’s what?
Zoe Greenberg, Life & Culture reporter
Francesca is caught between a rock and a hard place.
So, Mike, how would you approach this very annoying and very performative military-helicopter parent?
It seems to me that the obviously “right” thing to do is to take her aside and talk things out kindly and compassionately.
Mike Newall, Life & Culture reporter
Oh yes. I think we can cut the preliminary “see it from both sides” stuff on this one. Time to confront. And, Zoe, you’re right: the only question is how. Public humiliation? Or private intimidation?
Zoe Greenberg
You’re not entertaining the private, gentle-parenting conversation with the parent?
Mike Newall
No, I am. When I first started reading this question, I thought: “Classic kiss-up parent.” You see them often in the wild. The endlessly chatty and performative parent who hovers near the teacher every morning. Those parents can be handled with a quick joke or snarky comment. But this seems like something more. Something deeper. More ingrained. This demands a gently stern talking to.
You don’t parent other people’s kids. Unless the kid is in danger or a danger to someone else.
Zoe Greenberg
I don’t know that I would have the courage of my convictions to take this parent aside myself, although I would know in my heart it’s what should be done. But if I did, I would say something along the lines of, “Hey, I notice that you’re concerned about what’s happening between the kids and often telling them to stop. To me, it looks fine. I wonder if we can let the kids work it out amongst themselves unless there’s a major issue.”
What motivates a performative parent do you think?
Mike Newall
Insecurity is the main motivator.
Zoe Greenberg
Right. Insecurity! And I wonder if taking the parent aside would ramp the insecurity up. They become defensive. They say “Your kid is terribly behaved!” “Your child is coming for my precious Francesca!”
Mike Newall
That’s why I do think the parent needs a little compassion.
Here’s what I would do:
Linger. The insecure parent kissing up to the teacher, telling every kid what to do always lingers. So wait them out. Until every kid has entered and it’s just the helicopter mom, the teacher, and you. Then, with a smile: confront.
Zoe Greenberg
With a SMILE!!!
Newall goes in for the kill.
Mike Newall
Here’s a basic script you can follow: Hey, whoever. Just so you know my wife/husband and I have spent a lot of time carefully teaching our precious Johnny or Katie how to behave. We have somehow made it this far — to be a little snarky, add exactly how far — to the third grade of whatever elementary without your help. We appreciate the consideration but would feel much more comfortable if you would stop talking to our child like that.
Zoe Greenberg
It sounds like there are multiple parents and multiple kids involved here, but I feel a one-on-one is best. Otherwise it becomes a bit of a gang-up, fueling insecurity further.
Mike Newall
One-on-one is best. If the teacher is there as a witness though, that’s not a terrible thing. The parent will likely be stunned into quiet after your initial salvo. Fill that pause politely but firmly. Be an adult. But lay the line down.
If the teacher is cool, they’ll be silently cheering you on.
Zoe Greenberg
And then let the children figure it out! Let them create their utopian society together, where they work through conflict with patience and calm, from each according to her ability to each according to her need etc.
Mike Newall
Exactly, Zoe!
This is their turf. I used to marvel at the social intricacies my son was dealing with in pre-K. Every day, on the ride home, he’d rattle off from the back seat about who was whose best friend on any given day. Who was mean. Who was nice. Who was acting like the king of the seesaw. And he had to figure it all out on his own.
Zoe Greenberg
Good training for life.
