Philly’s intentionally celibate dating scene

On a Saturday night, Rita Brujeria can often be found onstage in a beaded corset and rhinestone-encrusted heels, removing a satin glove with their teeth. Sometimes they straddle a chair or shimmy to a jazz version of “Over the Rainbow,” while audience members throw dollar bills at their feet. As a burlesque dancer, performing is about being sexy — and part of the thrill for Brujeria is that offstage, they don’t have sex.

“We’re gonna go out to dinner, you’re not going to get anything. Sorry to break it to you,” said Brujeria, who The Inquirer is referring to by a stage name.

Brujeria, who has been celibate since 2019, is among those who have actively chosen to swear off sex in the City of Brotherly Love. They’re doing it for all different reasons: Some want to deepen platonic relationships or strengthen their faith; some, recovering from sexual violence, seek to reclaim power over their own bodies or figure out what they actually enjoy.

Nationally, much has been made of the so-called “sex recession;” recent data suggest that the proportion of Americans, and particularly young Americans, who are not sexually active has increased in the last decade. Included in the not-having-sex figures are the involuntarily celibate, known as “incels,” and the voluntarily celibate. (Celibacy is a loose term but fundamentally it means abstaining from sexual contact with other people.)

For those making the choice to abstain from sex, as is true for most human interests, there’s Celibacy TikTok and celibate meet-up apps — and celebrities to champion the cause, like Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber.

“It definitely has been a shift in the conversation,” said Janielle Bryan, a public health practitioner and sex educator based in Philly. “Having these more expansive conversations around celibacy makes people realize, ‘Oh, this is something that I may benefit from.’ It’s not just people who are waiting until they get married.”

At 63, JoAnn Hodges has already been married and divorced. She’s Christian, founder of the “Saved, Single and Celibate Ministries” Facebook group, and proudly celibate.

In order to maintain her celibacy, Hodges avoids what she refers to as her “triggers”: romantic movies and 70s music. (“Some of the old school music — oh my God,” she says). And while she’d be happy to watch a movie on the couch with a platonic friend, she’s pretty skeptical platonic male friends actually exist.

“Most of my male friends are attracted to me,” Hodges said, laughing. “Yeah, I’m kinda cute.”

Hodges used to keep precise track of how long she hadn’t had sex, but she came to see that as a form of hubris that could only get her in trouble. Now she simply says she’s been serious about celibacy for 15 years. She hopes to marry again.

“I‘m going to be honest with you. Even while I’ve had this ministry, I’ve fallen,” Hodges said. “It’s really hard when you start feeling love in your heart for someone, to be alone with them. Because sex is normal.”

The pandemic fueled a shift towards celibacy for some, said Bryan. Stuck at home, people began re-evaluating the sex they’d been having — and some found they weren’t particularly impressed.

That’s what happened to Brujeria, who is 29 and lives in Upper Darby. In 2019, after getting out of a serious relationship, they wanted to take a brief break from sex and dating. Then COVID-19 hit — and then, the longer they went without sex with another person, the less they wanted to go back to the way things were before.

“When I was in my early 20s, that pressure of, ‘Oh, they’re gonna expect something after this date,’ was always there in the forefront of my mind,” Brujeria said. Romantic encounters tended to get bogged down in internal calculations: What do they want? What do I want? How do I tell them?

Now Brujeria tells potential partners they’re celibate. They still go on dates: to meet new people and learn about them, something that’s easier for Brujeria if sex is off the table.

They haven’t sworn off sex for life but have no specific plan for when they’ll know they’re ready to have sex again.

“I guess once the clothes start coming off,” Brujeria quipped.

For some, there won’t be an end date. Matthew Schleweet, a 20-year-old student at Rowan University, said he plans to be celibate for life. He’s been studying Buddhism, Hinduism, theosophy, and the occult, and is drawn to the idea of letting go of earthly desires and attachments.

“I’m trying to reach a certain state of mind and being, by not getting immersed and attached to these things,” Schleweet said. He wants to find a companion, but even if he marries, he won’t have sex.

He said his family is not particularly hopeful about his prospects; he recalled his dad telling him he wouldn’t find one person out of 7 billion on the planet who would agree with him. (He’s undeterred.)

The writer and activist Adrienne Maree Brown helped popularize the idea of “strategic celibacy” in her 2019 bestselling book, Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good.

She posed a few questions for readers considering it: “Do you suspect you are in patterns of sexual relationship that sustain patriarchy? Are you regularly engaging in sex that hurts, that is confusing, that your body isn’t saying an ecstatic yes to?”

For people recovering from sexual abuse, the question of what might lead to an “ecstatic yes” is particularly important. CJ Mooney, a Philly-based sex and relationship therapist, works with clients who are navigating sexual trauma and says that for some, a period of celibacy serves as a reset.

“Kind of a way of taking their power back,” Mooney said.

For others, celibacy results from a mixture of faith and “failed dating experiences,” as Jana Henry, 36, put it. Henry wanted to be in a long-term, monogamous relationship, but the dates she was going on weren’t leading to that. She’s also Christian, and she saw celibacy as a way to honor her relationship with God.

She hasn’t been thrilled by the reactions she’s gotten from potential dates when she explains that she’s celibate. Some stop texting back; others see if they might change her mind. One texted, OK, you be safe. But she does see her celibate status as a convenient way to weed out incompatible men.

“If this is an issue for you, like a major issue and you just met me, I don’t need to date you anyways,” said Henry, who performed a one-woman comedy show about her dating life last fall.

“There will be times when someone is unable to have a physical relationship,” she added. “Is that going to make you love someone less?”