Don’t mess with Delco: Name Susan the next ‘Golden Bachelorette’ ... or else

To the esteemed producers of ABC’s Bachelor franchise,

We, the City of Philadelphia come to you earnestly with one request:

Make Susan Noles the first Golden Bachelorette.

ABC confirmed Saturday its latest Bachelor Nation spin-off: a female-fronted version of its iteration for contestants older than 60. The news follows the inaugural Golden Bachelor’s massive success last fall.

The Golden Bachelor reached 43.4 million total viewers after 35 days of viewing across linear and streaming platforms and ranked as ABC’s No. 1 unscripted series premiere ever on Hulu.

The leading lady hasn’t been named publicly yet, but to us only one choice is clear: Susan Noles.

Noles, 66, won fans over with her collar county spunk on full display for viewers.

She did hair and makeup for the other women staying at the Bachelor mansion. She karate chopped a block of wood for a talent show in a leopard bathing suit, she cooked meatballs for the entire cast, she popped out of a cake for a birthday party, and she received constant comparisons to Kris Jenner (whom she eventually earned a special shout-out from).

The Aston Township-based wedding officiant quickly became a fan favorite throughout her run on the series. So much so, that she returned to ABC to officiate Turner’s live televised wedding, where she stole the show.

For months, fans of the Delco lady have campaigned for Noles to take on the inaugural Golden Bachelorette role. When we spoke to Noles following her departure from the show, she said she’d “absolutely” be open to the gig.

“If I were spending time with 20-plus men, I’m sure there would be one or a few that I would get involved with,” she told The Inquirer. “The whole show for me, I was truly authentically myself. I like people. I’ve never met a stranger, I don’t care who you are. But I like to make people happy.”

For now, details about the Golden Bachelorette are slim.

It will air in the fall. No casting announcements have been made. It could be a woman from Turner’s season or someone new altogether. Realistically, Bachelor franchise personnel who end up leading the show are usually within the final two or three of their respective season.

Serious contenders from Turner’s season include Joan Vassos, 61, the private school administrator from Maryland; Leslie Fhima, 65, the personal fitness trainer from Minneapolis; and Faith Martin, 61, a high school teacher from Washington according to USA Today. But nothing is officially official.

When asked if there was anything she could share with The Inquirer about her status as the potential leading lady, Noles said “Unfortunately, no.” (See that ABC? She’s trustworthy!)

But we know our girl Susan would be the best fit. She’s proven herself to be a girl’s girl time and time again, she’s never afraid to be the butt of a joke, and she’s made it clear she’s ready to cook for everyone. We’re also well overdue for some quality Philadelphia hometown dates — something we’ve been robbed of so far on the last respective seasons of The Bachelorette and The Golden Bachelor (there’s still hope for Collegeville’s Joey Graziadei’s current season which featured some Philly flair in the opening episode).

And if we really want to get weird, this reporter has a conspiracy clown theory that the role already belongs to Noles … Buckle up, it’s about to get unserious.

As of Monday afternoon, a weird phenomenon was occurring on X (formerly Twitter).

Searches for “Susan Golden Bachelorette” on the app oddly wouldn’t populate with results. In contrast, searches for other contestants’ names plus “Golden Bachelorette” appeared normally.

Stay with me.

Could this be a case of ABC and X working together to slow down speculation or leaks? (Probably not, but it’s fun to dream). Last week, the social media platform blocked searches for “Taylor Swift” in an effort to slow down the spread of sexually explicit deepfakes of the singer. X could not be reached for comment on the faulty search. It’s probably just a glitch, but who’s to say?

In the meantime, fandom for Noles has continued to double down. Last week, she walked in intimate apparel brand Adore Me’s show for New York Fashion Week in a slip dress and pearls.

We’d give her our rose any day.