Dear Rhode Island: We have some rude and absurd demands of our own. Your move.

This week, Philadelphians learned about two Rhode Island state officials who rolled up into our fair city in March and allegedly acted like entitled jabronis, and made ridiculous demands of the Philadelphians who hosted them and many of those they met along the way.

As you can imagine — and somehow, they did not — it didn’t end well.

As detailed by The Inquirer this week, and first reported by Rhode Island media outlets, David Patten, director of the state’s property management division, and James Thorsen, director of administration, came to Philly to tour the Bok building and meet with Scout Ltd., the team behind it, about a possible project in their state.

The officials’ conduct during the trip was so “bizarre, offensive, and unprofessional,” it led members of the Scout team to send an email to a hired lobbyist that eventually made its way to the state’s governor. That email, which was made public thanks to efforts from Providence Journal and Rhode Island TV station WPRI, has led to both a criminal and human resources investigation.

I haven’t been on many business trips, but I’m pretty sure that if yours ends in two separate investigations, it was not a successful endeavor.

(Patten, whose lawyer told WPRI he was dealing with a mental health event, is on administrative leave. Thorsen, who now works for the U.S. Treasury Department, released a statement to the Providence Journal on Wednesday that said he did not seek preferential treatment, did not make any racist or sexist remarks, and that he reported Patten’s behavior to Rhode Island’s human resources division before leaving Philadelphia.)

Some folks have to learn the hard way to never underestimate Philly — or to not over overestimate yourself while here. Titles and money don’t impress us and if there’s one thing we don’t suffer lightly, it’s fools.

So when I read that Patten sent a rider of demands to the folks at Scout, I was floored (don’t even get me started on the allegations of racism and sexism, my reactions to which can’t be printed here.)

» READ MORE: Two Rhode Island officials visited Philly. They were so rude their state launched two separate investigations.

“Please have fresh coffee (with milk and sugar) and the best croissant in Philadelphia ready for me upon arrival,” Patten wrote. “Director Thorsen likes Diet Coke. Have a cold six pack waiting on the table in your conference room. You have three hours to convince us to give you $55M.”

Were they under the impression they were Jalen Hurts and Nick Foles? Because those are the only two people I can think of whose riders Philadelphians would even consider fulfilling.

According to reports, Patten also asked for free items from nearly every tenant he toured at the Bok, and requested a private lunch for the two at Irwin’s, a restaurant that’s only open for dinner.

Since these officials felt entitled to just about everything in our city, I’d like to formally lodge a list of rude and absurd demands for Rhode Island officials on behalf of Philadelphians. You have three hours to fulfill all requirements.

In 1950, the U.S. government, then unaware of the impending 2023 Philly-R.I. conflict, commissioned replica Liberty Bells to be given to Washington, D.C., U.S. territories, and every state — even Rhode Island.

Their sham bell is displayed in the south vestibule of the Rhode Island State House, and we’re going to need that back until their officials learn not to take liberties with the real Liberty Bell city.

Whenever a Philadelphian visits Rhode Island, upon arrival they shall be presented with an ice-cold six-pack of Narragansett beer and the “finest clams in Newport.”

This most excellent demand comes from Twitter user Sean Ramsden, who said he’s headed up to Rhode Island in a few weeks “... to collect.”

Additional food and beverages demands suggested by others include coffee milk, lobster rolls wit Whiz, and “milk steak, boiled over hard, with their finest side of raw jelly beans.”

One of Rhode Island’s most famous tourist attractions is a 58-foot long, 9-foot tall blue steel-and-fiberglass termite named Nibbles Woodaway.

Also known as the “Big Blue Bug,” Nibbles sits atop the Big Blue Bug pest control company in Providence and has “come to represent not just a pest extermination company, but the character of its city and state,” according to Atlas Obscura.

Take from that what you will.

Henceforth, we demand all Philadelphians be allowed to scale up Nibbles’ scrawny metal legs and onto his body so they can pretend to ride him like Falkor. And if one of our adroit pole-climbing sports fans requests the bug be greased before they ascend, their wish shall be granted.

Rhode Island is neither a road nor an island. It is a state of lies and Philadelphia demands it change its name. We suggest: Notanisland, Teenytinychusetts, or Quahog.

An acceptable alternative suggested by Grub House Philly on Twitter is to insist state officials “dig a moat along their border to make their state, in fact, an island.”

Rhode Island has 21 lighthouses and Philly only has one, the Lighthouse on Turtle Rock at the Sedgeley Club on Boathouse Row. Lighthouses are cool, and it’d be nice to have another, so do the right thing and hand one over.