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How to process emotionally challenging events

Here's how difficult conversations can strengthen a relationship — instead of tearing it apart.

In the book “The Good Life,” authors Bryn Mawr psychologist Marc Schulz and co-author Robert Waldinger offer a five-step plan for navigating difficult relationship interactions.
In the book “The Good Life,” authors Bryn Mawr psychologist Marc Schulz and co-author Robert Waldinger offer a five-step plan for navigating difficult relationship interactions.Read moreDreamstime / MCT
    by Jason Laughlin
    Updated 
    Published 

Knowing how to respond when the going gets tough is critical to maintaining meaningful, healthy relationships.

In the book The Good Life, Bryn Mawr psychologist Marc Schulz and co-author Robert Waldinger offer a five-step plan for navigating difficult interactions in a way that strengthens — instead of damages — valuable relationships that encourage people to slow down their reactions. Their approach, called the WISER model, is reproduced with permission from the authors.

» READ MORE: What makes a good life? A Bryn Mawr psychologist explores the role of relationships in happiness and health.

Schulz and Waldinger recommend using the questions to review tough conversations, better understand your emotional reactions, and consider how you may handle a similar situation differently in the future.

Watch

  1. Did I face the problem directly or ignore it?

  2. Did I take the time to get an accurate assessment of the situation?

  3. Did I talk with the people involved?

  4. Did I consult with others to get their understanding of what happened?

Interpret

  1. Did I recognize how I felt and what was at stake?

  2. Was I willing to acknowledge my role in the situation?

  3. Have I focused too much on what is going on in my own head and not enough on what is going on around me?

  4. Are there alternative ways of understanding what is going on in this situation?

Select

  1. Was I clear about the outcome I wanted?

  2. Did I consider all the available options for responding?

  3. Did I do a good job identifying resources available to help me?

  4. Did I weigh the pros and cons of different strategies to achieve my goal?

  5. Did I choose the tools that would work best in meeting the current challenge?

  6. Did I reflect on if or when I should do something about the situation?

  7. Did I consider who else could be involved in solving the problem or meeting the challenge?

Engage

  1. Did I practice my response or run it by a trusted confidant to increase the likelihood that it would succeed?

  2. Did I take steps that are realistic for me?

  3. Did I evaluate progress and was I willing to adjust as needed?

  4. What steps did I rush through or mess up or skip over? What did I do well?

Reflect

  1. In light of all I’ve just reflected on, how would I do things differently next time?

  2. What have I learned?