How to talk to children about the mass shooting in Texas

The mass shooting at an elementary school in Uvalde, Texas, that killed at least 19 children and two teachers has left families grappling with how to talk to their own children about what happened.

Discussing a mass shooting with young children may seem inappropriate — and is certainly heartbreaking — but child psychologists agree that it’s important to give even the youngest children an opportunity to ask questions and express their feelings.

» READ MORE: Gov. Phil Murphy ups police presence at New Jersey schools after Texas mass shooting kills 19 children, 2 adults

Don’t know what to say? No one does. That’s OK, since the most important part of talking to children about trauma is just listening, said Maureen Brogan, statewide director of the Traumatic Loss Coalitions for Youth Program at Rutgers University and a licensed professional counselor who specializes in trauma.

“When you’re talking to kids it should be all about them,” Brogan said. “It’s about meeting them where they’re at.”

Yes. Kindergartners and elementary-school children may seem too young for a conversation about gun violence, but it’s important to give them the opportunity to talk because they likely have at least some awareness of what happened, Brogan said. Older children may have seen photos or videos of the news on social media, while younger children may have heard about it from older kids on the school bus or in the cafeteria. Children may be particularly attuned to the mass shooting in Texas because it is relatable — students their age at school.

Listen instead of talking. With young children, conversations about trauma can be a balancing act between scaring them with too much detail and confusing them by being too vague. That’s why Brogan recommends letting your child guide the conversation. Start with an open-ended question like “What have you heard about what happened?” or “How are you feeling about what you’ve heard?” This approach can guide how much detail to share and gives you the opportunity to correct misinformation.

Don’t feel compelled to have concrete answers to questions like “Why did this happen?” or “Will a shooting ever happen in my school?” Instead, be honest about what you don’t know. Letting your child know that you also are feeling sad or confused can validate their emotions and give them reassurance, even if you can’t give them direct answers to their questions, Brogan said.

That’s OK. Make sure they know they can come to you with questions or to talk about their feelings any time. Young children’s emotional systems are still developing, which means they may not always be able to adequately express how they are feeling. The youngest students may not connect how the mass shooting is relevant to them, and as a result, may not be interested in discussing. Past exposure to trauma or violence can also influence whether children are interested in talking about mass shooting events, Brogan said.

Be aware of signs of distress, such as anxiety about their safety, excessive worry about the possibility of another shooting, lack of interest in favorite activities, and complaints of physical ailments such as a stomachache or headache. These behaviors may indicate that your child is having trouble coping, even if they’re not able to express it verbally. Talk to your child’s pediatrician, school psychologist, or guidance counselor if you need help. You can find local mental health support groups through the National Alliance on Mental Illness website.

Listen without judgment. In some neighborhoods of Philadelphia, children are exposed to violence on a near-daily basis. The city’s record homicide rate and ongoing gun violence have taken a toll on children who have been injured, witnessed violence, or experienced the death of a family member or friend. Just last weekend three 14-year-olds were among those injured in a spate of shootings in Philadelphia, and three more teens were involved in a shooting Monday night.

Children who have experienced trauma may react differently to the mass shooting than children who haven’t been exposed to trauma. They may feel desensitized to the violence, and not be interested in talking about it. For others, the mass shooting may reopen past trauma they thought they’d processed.

Or they may feel angry or insignificant that so much attention is being paid to the mass shooting while the violence around them seems to go on without anyone caring. Encourage your child to express themselves and validate whatever emotion they’re feeling.

Offer support, stability, and a sense of community. Explain to them that you are responsible for keeping them safe and, when possible, point to other adults in their life who love them and want to protect them.

“This is the tricky part,” Brogan said. “You don’t promise.”

Talk about what you can do as a family or as a school community to practice safety, such as emergency drills and having a home emergency plan and list of emergency contacts.

Reassuring children that they’re safe can be a difficult task after a school shooting because schools are generally considered safe places. Feeling safe can be especially challenging for children who live in communities where violence can take place anywhere — the community park, the playground, the grocery store, or even their own homes.

Making sure children know where they can go for help and whom they can turn to can help ground them. Maintaining a daily routine, even in the aftermath of a tragedy, can also help children feel more in control.

Model kindness and community cooperation, Brogan said. Being part of a community can be reassuring for children, give them a sense of protection, and let them know they are not alone.