Free the nipple — and free moms from breastfeeding pressure | Opinion

As I dribbled cold water down my sleepy newborn’s back for the third (fifth? 30th?) time that day, I decided to give up breastfeeding. I’d lasted two weeks.

Breastfeeding is hard. That’s the premise behind Frida Mom’s buzzy new commercial, which aired Sunday during the Golden Globes. The baby and postpartum care company made an evocative ad depicting exhausted nursing mothers trying to get their babies to latch, unlatch, eat a little more, slow down, please stop crying — they daily unglamorous, vulnerable moments of new parenthood most often experienced by women, most often in private.

My daughter was born in June, healthy, happy, and inexplicably losing birth weight. We spent much of her first 10 days at the pediatrician’s office hoping she’d level off before they finally handed us some formula and told us to start supplementing. That first bottle gave me a taste of freedom and immeasurable guilt.

While the conversation has shifted in the last couple of decades from WHO-UNICEF’s “breast is best” to a more accommodating “fed is best” in practice, the pressure to breastfeed persists.

My daughter struggled to latch in the hospital after delivery. I saw three lactation consultants in my two days there. All of them were kind, encouraging, soft-voiced women who told me I was doing a great job. They expertly shifted the baby into feeding-friendly positions and widened her jaw against my nipple, grinning as she finally latched. “Do you see how I did that?” they’d ask? “Yes,” I said. I didn’t.

I saw two more consultants. One suggested my daughter had a mild tongue tie and cheered me on after a successful latch that required the help of both her and my husband. The other came to my house, taught me how to pump, and gave me instructions for how to encourage my daughter to feed, instead of sleep, at my breast: flick the bottom of her foot, rub her ear, place a cold washcloth on her back.

» READ MORE: More moms need adequate breastfeeding support

Nobody rushed me or shamed me or judged me for struggling to breastfeed. They told me it was OK to pump and use formula if my baby needed it to grow. But it was clear breastfeeding was what was expected of me. “It’s natural. It shouldn’t hurt. It takes time.” Basically: Don’t give up.

Watching my daughter drink with ease from the bottle was enough for me to give up trying to coax her onto the breast with a wet washcloth. I knew it was the right decision, but I still felt guilty.

The American Academy of Pediatrics promotes breastfeeding (not just breastmilk, as you’ll notice a glaring lack of resources about exclusive pumping and donated milk on the AAP website), and advises pediatricians to display positive images of breastfeeding and “encourage the elimination of practices that interfere with breastfeeding,” including distributing free formula.

By only showing images of peaceful mothers and babies bonding during a cozy feeding session, we’re setting unrealistic expectations. That’s why the Frida ad, believed to be the first commercial to show lactating breasts, is so important. Parents, caregivers, employers, and medical practitioners need a real understanding of how difficult breastfeeding can be so that we can provide support and accept that sometimes the best way to support someone is to give them the freedom to give up.

The CDC’s most recent Breastfeeding Report Card shows that 84% of U.S. infants are exposed to breastfeeding. By three months postpartum, 46% of infants are exclusively breastfeeding. Just 25% are exclusively breastfed after six months.

» READ MORE: Philly’s new moms can now get breastfeeding counseling via video chat during coronavirus pandemic

I had so much help. Even though COVID-19 kept us isolated from family and friends, I had a supportive partner, multiple free lactation consultations, and 10 weeks of maternity leave to figure things out. With literally nothing to do but sit on my couch, I still couldn’t make it work. I didn’t need more encouragement. I needed someone to tell me it was OK to give up.

I finally got that encouragement at my six-week postpartum appointment. When I told the midwife I’d been exclusively pumping for the last four weeks she said, “That’s a lot! Is that working for you?” That was the supportive prompt I needed. I stuck with pumping but increased the formula and have since begun weaning. Given room to decide for myself, I was finally free.

Shannon Wink is a communications professional, first-time mom, Northeast Philly native, and Fishtown resident.