Forget hot girl summer. It’s hot bug summer in Philly. | Satire

There’s something in the air right now, Philadelphia. Can you feel it deep down in your thorax? Maybe it’s just the 17 years of social distancing talking, but I am ready to put my feelers out there. You know what I’m talking about. Whether you’re a freshly vaxed human or a recently molted bug like myself, it’s time we spread our wings. First thing I did when I crawled out the soil was create an account on OkAphid. Then I posted a six-hour video of myself chirping really loud. It just felt right. So far I haven’t had any luck — below are some of my early strikeouts so far — but I’m not giving up yet.

♦ ♦ ♦

Cicada: Sup.

Spotted Lanternfly: Uh hi. Do I know you?

Cicada: No. I was just looking @ your profile.

Spotted Lanternfly: OK and?

Cicada: U pretty.

Spotted Lanternfly: lol srsly

Cicada: Yeah. U look like if Minnie Mouse’s dress was a bug. So cute.

Spotted Lanternfly: lol!

Cicada: Sorry. I’ve been out of the scene for a while, you know. I’m rusty.

Spotted Lanternfly: Winter lockdown. I hear you.

Cicada: More like I was living underground in the dirt for 17 years.

Spotted Lanternfly: Really? Doing what?

Cicada: Just working on myself. Personal growth.

Spotted Lanternfly: That’s deep.

Cicada: Yeah, about eight feet.

Spotted Lanternfly: rimshot

Cicada: And then I molted and now I’m here.

Spotted Lanternfly: k

Cicada: So listen I’m only in town for a few days…

Spotted Lanternfly: Here we go.

Cicada: No, it’s not like that. I just need to mate and die.

Spotted Lanternfly: Heard that line before. Later.

♦ ♦ ♦

Cicada: Sup, shorty?

Mosquito: Do you have blood?

Cicada: What? No. So. I’ve been out of the game for a while, but I saw your bio says you’re looking for casual encounters.

Mosquito: I just like blood. You don’t have blood?

Cicada: No.

Mosquito: You’re sus.

Cicada: I don’t know what that means.

Mosquito: Unvaxed blood tastes better! Citronella’s a myth! Bedbugs are perverts! Later, idiot.

♦ ♦ ♦

Cicada: What U up to?

Spotted Lanternfly: You again. I’m just out here climbing on a tree, chomping leaves, excreting harmful sugar discharge from my butt.

Cicada: Dang.

Spotted Lanternfly: Yeah. What are you doing?

Cicada: Hanging out on a tire w/ my friends. [sends selfie]

Spotted Lanternfly: Which one are you?

Cicada: Red eyes, crinkly wings, inscrutable expression.

Spotted Lanternfly: I think you look sad.

Cicada: That’s probably ‘cause I’m with my brood.

Spotted Lanternfly: Is that a pun?

Cicada: [sends shrugging insect emoji]

Spotted Lanternfly: lol

Cicada: So, wanna get together?

Spotted Lanternfly: You thirsty.

♦ ♦ ♦

Cicada: Sup. I like the whole stripe look u got going on.

Murder Hornet: CHECK THIS OUT. [sends unsolicited stinger pic]

Cicada: wtf

Murder Hornet: I WILL KILL YOU

Cicada: blocking you.

Murder Hornet: KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL

[Murder Hornet blocked]

♦ ♦ ♦

Cicada: What’s up, sugarbutt?

Spotted Lanternfly: lol. Knew I hadn’t heard the last of you.

Cicada: Listen I wanna take you out. Like on a date.

Spotted Lanternfly: And do what?

Cicada: How about this: We find a nice porch light with an exposed bulb and we just go crazy headbutting it all night.

Spotted Lanternfly: Well, you’re mad horny and you got no social skills, but I just can’t say no to a prominent clypeus.

Cicada: wut

Spotted Lanternfly: nvm. OK. I recognize that tire, I’m only like three blocks away. On my way...

Cicada: Sweet. I’ll be wearing my “Live Fast, Die Young, Leave a Desiccated Corpse” shirt.

Spotted Lanternfly: Love it. Even though I can fly, I think I’ll try walking there for some reason. Just straight down the middle of the sidewalk, slow as a sunset, right past all those schoolchildren. I should be there in like six hours.

Cicada: Cool. See U soon! [sends happy face emoji]

Cicada: U almost here?

Cicada: Hello.

Cicada: Hello.

Cicada: Ghosted. [sends sad face emoji]

As dictated to Patrick Rapa, a freelance writer from Philadelphia and an accomplished insect whisperer.