I thought Derek Chauvin’s guilty conviction would feel like a win. Instead, we all lose. | Opinion

I thought I knew exactly how I would feel if Derek Chauvin was convicted for the murder of George Floyd. I was certain that it would be a time of high-fiving strangers (well, actually elbowing them), posting on social media, and texting colleagues messages of celebration.

None of that happened. Instead of a wide smile, I was unable to stop the tears from flowing. I wept first for George Floyd. No amount of “justice” can bring him back to his family. He will still be dead long after Derek Chauvin has served his time behind bars. What he has taken from that family cannot be given back through restitution.

I wept, as well, from the sheer exhaustion of this struggle.

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For the last 30-plus years, I have been involved in fighting for issues important to the Black community. But something became much more intense after the Ferguson uprising. I was there in Missouri and was teargassed along with hundreds of others for simply walking to gain justice for the family of Mike Brown. Since that time, the marches, the actions, the meetings to resist police violence have been nonstop. The names of those lost continue to grow. So, I felt like an athlete who has finally overcome some major hurdle to win what seemed to be unattainable. The fatigue of struggling to be free just would not allow me to celebrate in the way I had imagined.

But I wept for another reason.

It took the sheer terror of cities and towns and unincorporated areas rising up last summer, setting buildings and police cars on fire, stores being looted, and basically terrifying the living daylights out of White America for us to be heard.

That should make us all weep. There are so many George and “Georgette” Floyds who have had a knee on their neck, subject to the hubris of an officer on the street who believes him or herself to be sovereign. Those who routinely break the oath of the badge to serve and protect, but instead act as though they are judge, jury, and executioner all rolled into one. It took George Floyd dying in such a horrific manner to finally have other police officers come forward to testify that it was wrong for a white officer to kill an unarmed Black man. George Floyd should not have been required to give his life for “good cops” to finally turn on “bad cops.”

Finally, I wept because it is just by the grace of God that my name is not a national protest chant.

» READ MORE: I knew how I felt about looting, but now I’m conflicted | Perspective

I sat there in the wake of the verdict replaying so many personal run-ins with law enforcement when officers sought to belittle, humiliate, and provoke me into an outburst. Events that have occurred from my teenage years to the present, because apparently there is no age cutoff when a Black person is not a perceived threat.

And so maybe one day the justness of the guilty verdict of Derek Chauvin will cause me to rejoice. But for now, winning somehow feels like losing. It has cost so much to get here, and it will likely cost so much more to arrive at the place where everyone can breathe free. Until then, it is back to work as we “stay on the grind” fighting for justice for all the families who have paid the ultimate sacrifice.

The Rev. Mark Kelly Tyler is a pastor at Mother Bethel AME Church and cochair of the board for POWER Interfaith.