Dear Pa. voters, let’s keep ‘em guessing
Talk of Pennsylvania's undecided voters aside, we know what we’re doing. We tell the rest of the country that we’re still thinking it over, but what we have decided is that we love all this attention.
Ironically, it took someone from the state where they just don’t get it to encapsulate the essence of Pennsylvania’s political genius.
New Jersey’s own Sen. Cory Booker said it all when he proclaimed Pennsylvania as the “swingiest.” We are the “pivotal,” “battleground,” “key,” “crucial” state that will decide the 2024 presidential election, and, perhaps, the fate of the known universe.
You think Kamala Harris and Donald Trump debated in Philly last month because it’s the cradle of the cheesesteak? You think Trump keeps coming back here — his visit Wednesday made it twice in five days, 14 since he was nominated — because he wants to pursue his happiness? Harris then announced she was coming to Philly on Wednesday, making it her 14th since she became the nominee.
This is nothing new. It’s been going on for a while, and by now you’d think voters in other states — are you paying attention, New Jersey? — would catch on.
Think back.
Why did Hillary Clinton, New York resident and alumna of Arkansas and the White House, suddenly remember that she had roots in Scranton? Why did Joe Biden, the pride of Delaware, decide that, in real life, his DNA was shaped like a keystone?
And can you even name the governor of Delaware? How about New Jersey? Meanwhile, Josh Shapiro, after being identified as a prospective vice presidential candidate, has spent so much time in the spotlight that it’s amazing the man still has pupils.
When is the last time a serious contender (Chris Christie doesn’t count) talked of a proud upbringing in Hoboken that shaped everlasting values, or even mentioned a cousin four times removed who grew up in Weehawken?
You say Trump has been to Wildwood?
So has most of South Philly and Delco.
Besides, Wildwood is technically not in New Jersey. It’s an island nation off the Jersey coast that exists for the amusement of Pennsylvania’s ostensibly undecided voters. Roller coasters, merry-go-rounds, a dizzying experience designed to add further confusion in the minds of the undecided.
We say “ostensibly” because, in real life, we Pennsylvanians know what we’re doing.
We let on to the rest of the country that we’re still thinking it over.
What we have decided is that we love the attention and the hard-earned panhandled PAC money pouring into the state. Just on advertising alone, campaigns are expected to have spent $550 million by the time the election is over.
It’s not just Trump — Harris, Tim Walz, and JD Vance already qualify for Pennsylvania frequent-visitor passes, and the campaign is just getting underway for real. As we’ve been advocating for years, let’s exploit it to the max.
We have to realize this is a critical time for us, and we have to take this assignment seriously.
Do you want to wind up ignored like New Jersey?
Pollsters and nosy reporters want answers. We have to keep them confused. This transcends ethics. This is a moral imperative for the sake of the state’s economy.
You have no obligation to tell them the truth. Feel free to tell ‘em Trump one day, and Harris the next.
Do you want to wind up ignored like New Jersey?
While we’re at it, let’s go all the way and junk that new “Great American Getaway” state slogan. Let’s go with something that proclaims we are forever undecided.
How about:
“Pennsylvania: America’s Battleground.”
“Pennsylvania: We’re Thinking About It.”
“Pennsylvania: We’ll Get Back to You.”
“Pennsylvania: What’s It to You?”
Or just:
“Pennsylvania: We’re the Swingiest.”
And if they ask if you’re voting for Bob Casey or Dave McCormick in the Pennsylvania Senate race, tell ‘em you’re writing in Cory. He’s a genius.
Anthony R. Wood is an Inquirer staff writer.