Quiz: Test your Philly snow etiquette | Opinion
Our plows runneth over with snow, and we are once again forced to consider all the etiquette quandaries that accumulate with it.
If our finest maps and wisest apps are to be believed, then our fair city is once again in the crosshairs of a major-ish snowstorm. Or maybe it’s already here — I don’t know when you’re reading this. It could be 30 years in the future where you are. In which case: Snow was like water ice that came from the sky. We used to throw clumps of it at each other as a sort of game nobody enjoyed for very long.
But here in Philadelphia, and now in the year 2021, our plows runneth over with snow, and we are once again forced to consider all the etiquette quandaries that accumulate with it.
Well, fear not: It will melt. And also fear not: This little quiz will test your snow manners and offer tips for surviving winter in a polite society. Which is what we call the thing we’re living in now.
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1. The sky’s gray, but not ominously so, and there’s still time to go shopping for supplies. What should one purchase?
A) Salt, the natural enemy of ice, for sprinkling on steps and sidewalks.
B) Eggs, bread, pork roll, scrapple, bacon, a precooked chicken, and a bag of lettuce, for appearance’s sake.
C) Wine, beer, liquor, maybe some of that whiskey that tastes like maple syrup.
D) All of the above.
Answer: D. Even though you’ll probably be snowbound for like a day at most, it’s wise to stock up. You’ve always wanted to try that maple whiskey, and alone on a dreary winter’s afternoon seems the least embarrassing way.
2. Wow, it’s really coming down out there. Should you suit up and do some mid-storm shoveling, or wait till the snow stops?
A) Do a bit now and a bit later, so neither round is too strenuous. You might even enjoy the task. Fresh air, get the blood pumping, etc.
B) What? You want to shovel now? It’s literally still snowing. Why do you want to shovel when it’s still snowing? I don’t understand you sometimes.
C) Doesn’t matter. It’s the same amount of snow, and you’ll still have to shovel it, so, yeah, your call.
D) Neither. Just stay real quiet and maybe your neighbor will do it for you. Happens sometimes. That weirdo two doors down will be like, “Oh, I just enjoyed doing my own walk so much, I kept going.” Thanks, you freak. Same time next storm?
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Answer: C. Do whatever makes sense to you. If you’ve somehow survived the past year with any sort of moral code intact, great. I mean, what’s even the point of doing the right thing right now? How come that Instagrammer who runs frickin’ marathons and works from home got the vaccine and your bus driving old uncle is still waiting his turn?
3. Uh-oh. A dispute has arisen between yourself and a neighbor, something to do with one of you shoveling snow onto a spot the other had just cleared. How do you settle it?
A) Attempt to steer the conversation to a more pleasant topic (Examples: Sheetz vs. Wawa; Foles vs. Wentz; Fetterman vs Gritty).
B) Apologize, regardless of whether you believe you’re the one in the wrong.
C) Begin a grudge that consumes your every thought from now until one of you moves.
D) If you’re good at duels, suggest a duel. It’s not murder if you kill someone in a duel.
Answer B. Aggravation — who needs it? It’s just snow, and there’s so much meanness in this world already, blah blah blah. P.S. It’s definitely murder if you kill someone in a duel.
4. You’ve painstakingly shoveled your car free of the surrounding snow. Now what?
A) Drive away, content that you’d done a good job, and hopeful that same spot will again be unoccupied upon your return.
B) Shovel out every parking spot on your block.
C) Place a white plastic chair in the spot where your car had been, thus invoking the Savesies Edict written into the City Charter by William Penn.
D) Shovel the surrounding snow back into the spot and use it to fashion a likeness of your car.
Answer: A. There may not be a spot for you when you return, and that’s just the way it goes. Savesies is only permissible if a person is seated in the chair and remains there without pee breaks until you return.
5. OK, but seriously, the storm’s been done for hours and you still haven’t shoveled your sidewalk, nor has some rogue Samaritan come along and done it for you. Now what?
A) Flag down a neighborhood kid and offer them cash to do the job.
B) Call Four Seasons Total Landscaping and see how well they fare in this, the fourth season.
C) Call Philly Fighting Snow. Me and my bros just started it. We’re psyched to find out what shoveling is and how we can get rich doing it.
D) Brave the scowls and be that one loser household on the block that doesn’t clear their walk. Surely stumbling schoolchildren and shaky legged seniors will cut a path over the next few days.
Answer: A. Find an enterprising young neighbor or two and pay them well for their labor. Now run home, child, and invest this money in TikTok stonks or whatever it is you do.
Patrick Rapa is a freelance writer living in Philadelphia.