Letter from the front: How a Confederate Mastriano might weigh in from the political battlefields of ‘22 | Editorial

When word came that State Sen. Doug Mastriano, the Republican nominee for Pennsylvania governor, wore the uniform of the Confederacy for a 2013-14 faculty photo while teaching at the Army War College, The Inquirer Editorial Board wondered — with tongue firmly planted in cheek — how a Confederate Mastriano might reflect on his current situation.

My dearest darling,

I write to you as the sun-kissed days grow shorter, as the cold, ebon nights grow longer, and as our furious, months-long campaign to take Harrisburg suddenly seems in terrible jeopardy.

Although it is impossible to know the true size of Gen. Josh Shapiro’s forces, there is no question that his ranks have been fortified by those loyal to Gen. Tom Wolf, who has already announced his intention to step away from the field of battle.

Throughout the bitter spring and this cruel summer, we have parried with Shapiro’s ranks and did no shame to our cause.

But we fear now that the tide may be turning.

» READ MORE: Doug Mastriano wore a Confederate Army uniform in an Army War College faculty photo

How many months ago was it now that our forces made haste to Washington, marched on the Capitol — the Army of the Potomac nowhere in sight! — and breached its mighty defenses while adorned in our red hats and bearing our blue banners.

Alas, I did not enter. And the insurrection did not hold. But how many others were inspired to join our cause? And how promising did a victory this November seem to us then?

But the blows to our forces have come quick and fast ever since.

It is uncertain whether a recent visit from Gen. Ron DeSantis, who swore to help me bring some of the hallmarks of his balmy home to our sweet, blessed commonwealth, did more harm than good to the flagging morale of our ranks.

My foes say that I have been undone by my promises to decertify elections, my pledges to roll back women’s rights, and my various and sundry other proclamations. But I remain steadfast, and I am proud to be Donald Tru...er, Jefferson Davis’ point person in William Penn’s lands.

I have refused to speak with most of the local scribes, carefully choosing to share my message with only those who are loyal to our campaign.

» READ MORE: From the fringes of the far right, Doug Mastriano vainly tries to dance back to the middle | Editorial

Yet, word comes now that our present cause may be harmed by any past affection I might have had for the Lost Cause. I know not where fate will take me next after this latest turn.

I have showered advisers with greybacks, yet even some among my own ranks are still urging me to find a more mellifluous battle cry. But, pray thee, what could sound sweeter than: “My body, my choice is ridiculous nonsense”?

But I digress, and we must dally no more.

I have strapped on my golden spurs and go now to rally our forces again as we begin the long march toward November.

Please know, my dearest darling, that despite what may come, whatever slings and arrows I must bear, I do so with steadfast affection and dedication to our cause. And if we should prove incapable of fulfilling our aims, perhaps I can try my hand again at teaching in schools. I predict the battles ongoing there will be intense.

Ever yours faithfully and truly,

Douglas