Philadelphia’s ongoing show of incompetence needs to be canceled | Helen Ubiñas

You’d think, given how long Philadelphia politicians have played the part of shocked-and-outraged-city-leader, that they’d be more convincing.

Practice should make perfect, right?

But then last week we landed face-first in a steaming pile of national shame when it was revealed that the city had partnered with a bunch of resumé-padding bros to lead the city’s first mass vaccination distribution. And, right on cue, the local members of the CYA Theatre Troupe turned in the kind of lackluster performance that should end careers.

“The city was duped,” Councilmember Cindy Bass declared.

Was it, though? Because suggesting the city was deceived by a self-described “bunch of, like, college kids trying to help out” would imply that the adults charged with one of the most important undertakings in the city right now had at least Googled the entitled hustlers.

And let’s be honest — there’s a pattern here.

Remember when city leaders were shocked in 2019 that we had racist, sexist, misogynistic cops on our force? How were they to know!?

Well, for starters, there were all those public Facebook posts. As recently as a few weeks ago, a Philly detective who was in Washington during the Capitol riots, and whose job it was to conduct background checks of potential recruits — including monitoring their social media posts — was found to be routinely posting vitriolic far-right rhetoric.

But, I know, computers are hard.

Which may explain what happened when on a video call in November, Philly Fighting COVID’s 22-year-old founder, Andrei Doroshin, met with City Council about vaccines and no one asked about his health-care credentials. (Spoiler: He didn’t have any.)

I mean, was everybody on mute that day?

The backstory: Philly Fighting COVID, led by white wannabe wunderkinds, somehow jumped to the front of the line to inoculate thousands of city residents, bypassing the Black Doctors COVID-19 Consortium — a Black-run organization that has long been doing the work in the community most affected by the virus.

PFC was abruptly dumped by the city this week when it was revealed by local reporters that they had pivoted from a nonprofit community testing group to a for-profit vaccine program that could potentially sell people’s personal information.

Plot twist: Despite initially insisting that the allegations were false, Doroshin pocketed vaccines to administer to friends after his clinical staff had previously turned away patients. (Naturally he took his mea culpa confession to national TV. On Friday, he called reporters to his Fishtown home, where he cemented his role as a super villain by not wearing a mask and spewing vague conspiracy theories.)

By then no one was buying his performance, but he’s hardly the only unbelievable character. Consider this an open casting call for the part of a new city health commissioner who might offer some fresh commitment to his starring role.

“In retrospect, we should have been more careful with this organization,” Health Commissioner Thomas Farley said. “I hope people can understand why — on the surface — this looked like a good thing.”

Uh … we’ll be in touch.

Now councilmembers are — check script — demanding answers and planning to — check script — hold hearings, which feels a lot like a sad sequel starring a bunch of has-beens trying to recapture the spotlight.

Speaking of bad sequels, here’s an even worse one:

This week also brought a second report on the police handling of protests last spring. The latest one, from the Controller’s Office, revealed new details about Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw’s actions during three days of unrest, including her role in authorizing the use of tear gas. It was portrayed as the most aggressive Philadelphia police response to civil unrest since the 1985 MOVE bombing.

On Thursday, Outlaw said she found the comparison repugnant and despite calls for her resignation declared she’s not going anywhere.

(A note: She should be one of many exiting center stage, but it’s striking how much faster these off-with-their-heads demands come for women of color than for white men who are allowed to coast until they snag a bigger part.)

Cue Mayor Jim Kenney, who hired Outlaw (and continues to support her and Farley) and was presumably somewhere running lines for meatier roles as governor or senator. Not to get too Siskel and Ebert-y (RIP), but I’d give that move two thumbs down. He’s already struggling with performances that by now should be second nature to a guy who’s been in the business this long.

The second report came after investigators interviewed dozens of residents, city leaders, and police officials. But not Kenney because, as divas do, he had some on-set demands that included questions be provided in advance and follow-up questions submitted in writing.

It would all be laughable if there weren’t so much at stake, if there weren’t real life-and-death ramifications, if during episode after episode residents weren’t at the mercy of a bunch of B-list leaders who inexplicably get picked up for more seasons.

We’ve all seen this show.

Time to pull the plug.