The best way to break up with someone, according to Philly relationship experts

Breaking up with someone is already a painful process. Nobody wants to get hit with the “it’s not you, it’s me” spiel, nor hear how “if only we met five years down the line” because they still need to sow their wild oats.

If you’re the one ending things, the last thing you want is to come off like a jerk.

But it doesn’t all have to be negative. The key to a good breakup is sending someone off to heal and grow as a person in their next chapter of life.

“I can say with 100% clarity that every single relationship that ended, it’s been one of the best things for me as an individual,” said Jenna Strusowski, a Philadelphia-based intimacy coach.

Strusowski’s work helps people and couples work through their relationships and breakups. During those times, sifting through your thoughts and making decisions about whether to break things off is brutally difficult.

To understand the intricacies of a breakup, The Inquirer interviewed three local sex and relationship therapists to find out when you know it’s time, how you should break the news, and doing so with everyone’s well-being in mind.

Note: This guide is meant to give guidance for couples whose relationship or connection isn’t working out. If you are in an unsafe or dangerous relationship and need help, The Inquirer has a guide on where to find help if you’re experiencing domestic violence.

When you are second-guessing if you should continue with a relationship, it’s best to do some reflection before acting on an impulse.

Sometimes people feel a lull in a relationship and chalk it up to “losing the connection” when it’s really just the ordinariness of life setting in, said Philadelphia sex and relationship therapist Erica Thomke, who works at the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational and Sex Therapy (PHIIRST) to help clients find common ground, heal from trauma and work through breakups.

Thomke said many couples expect a relationship to be exciting forever, but that early “honeymoon phase” is not sustainable or realistic for a long-term relationship.

“What we like to see is that relationships progress to companionship” said Thomke. “Familiarity is sometimes going to feel mundane, but it’s going to be able to weather the ebbs and flows of life and the stressors of aging and things like that.”

Take some time alone to sit and ask yourself: Are you at ease with your partner when life feels “boring”? Can you rely on your partner when life gets tough? Do you see a future with your partner that allows for growth? Do you have shared values, like raising children, or world views? Are you able to love your partner the way they want to be loved, and vice versa?

According to Naomi Berner, a local sex and relationship therapist, a favorite exercise of hers is to write down thoughts in a free-flow state, and jot whatever comes to mind, whether it’s about your relationship or not. If the exercise brings up painful feelings or memories, note them — the important part is that you process your emotions.

“Pre-breakup insightfulness is important to really get a clear sense of what a person’s boundaries might be moving forward,” said Berner about creating a framework for possible resolution, “and what their intentions are with how they’re going to break up with this person [if certain issues aren’t resolved].”

You need to know what you want — if you go into a breakup conversation unsure of the outcome, you’re going to make decisions on the spot that may not be the healthiest, she said.

After you know what you want out of the relationship and what will happen if those needs aren’t met, you need to address these concerns with your partner, Thomke said. While you have every right to end a relationship, it’s best to give your partner a heads-up first.

“A lot of people get blindsided: ‘My partner just told me that they’ve been extremely unhappy and they’re going to leave tomorrow, and I had no idea,’” said Thomke about clients’ breakup stories. “That’s not really cool either, because you’ve just been sort of passive-aggressively expecting this person to realize that you’re unhappy and that they should be changing to help the situation.”

The first step is to take responsibility for your half of the equation. Explain to your partner what you would like to see change, Thomke said. If you love and respect your partner, affording your partner the chance to improve is the right thing to do.

Give them time to change, from a few weeks to a few months.

If the situation doesn’t improve? It’s time to reevaluate the relationship. If you feel like “you’ve just sort of been settling, compromising or hoping that this person will change and suddenly start checking all your boxes” then you have your answer, Thomke said.

When it’s time to actually break the news to your partner (which in most cases you should do in-person, face-to-face) you need to stand firm on your wishes. (Be an adult: By no means should this be done by text, or god forbid, a Post-It note.)

There shouldn’t be any wiggle room for debating the breakup. If you’re at the point of breaking up with someone, you need to mean it, agreed all three therapists interviewed. That doesn’t mean later down the line you can’t reconnect, but you should draw a hard boundary at first, to allow both of you to heal.

A breakup also doesn’t have to happen in one single conversation, but over the course of smaller conversations. However, according to Emma Steiner, chief clinical officer and therapist at Philadelphia’s Council for Relationships, whenever it’s time for the final breakup chat, make it the last one.

Use “I” statements when talking to your partner. A breakup is the airing of grievances, but you want to do it gracefully. Honesty without tact is cruelty, and a bad breakup can stay with someone for years. Using statements, like “I feel neglected when you don’t ask about my day” or “I feel like I’m not able to meet your expectations,” is better than more accusatory language, like “You never...” or “You can’t...” The goal of a breakup is to begin healing, not start a fight.

The best place to break up is wherever you feel most comfortable. You definitely shouldn’t break up in a restaurant, said Strusowski, a former server before she became an intimacy coach who saw many fights arise after a breakup or argument went poorly. If you’re unsure how your partner may react, try a spot that’s in public but not as packed, like a local park.

Finally, while you should have empathy for your partner, you are not responsible for consoling or making your partner feel better, said Berner and Thomke. If anything, that just complicates things. Be cordial, be respectful, but you don’t have to be their therapist.

The question that always pops up when discussing breakups, and the local therapists all agree: No, you shouldn’t stay in contact with your ex after the breakup, at least for the foreseeable future. The heart is hurting in the aftermath and you may find yourself scrolling through social media to see if they’ve already moved on, or stroll by their neighborhood on the off-chance you’d run into them... Just don’t.

But allow yourself to feel their absence. The person you used to go to for comfort is now the person you need to heal from. Rehashing your relationship or confiding in them for comfort can lead to messiness, and may stunt your growth, according to Steiner.

“I‘m a big proponent for taking a significant break,” she said, “including social media, because you’re not really taking a break if you’re checking their Instagram all the time.”

Yes, you’re losing the best friend you binged White Lotus with, or who danced with you while making breakfast together, but this is the perfect time to fall back in love with yourself and reconnect with friends, Berner said.

“Maybe your ex was your hiking partner and you go hiking once a week. How can you then continue to go hiking? Either by yourself or with another person who’s going to encourage you.”

Cancel the tattoo appointment, put down the hair shears and forget about paying that Instagram shaman for a rejuvenation cleanse. (You don’t need bangs.) You can heal from this breakup without too many impulsive decisions — you just need some time off from everything.

People will tell you “to get back out there” and “there’s a million fish in the sea,” but according to Steiner, you have a green light to shut the blinds, break out a vat of ice cream, queue up the romcoms and just cry under your blankets.

“There’s a difference between self-care and self-comfort — they’re not the same thing. Self-care is when you do things like eating well and going to the gym, and that’s important,” said Steiner. “But sometimes, especially after a significant loss, what you need is self-comfort — like staying in bed a while or some of those cliches of eating ice cream.”

The most important thing is to allow yourself to process the emotions you’re feeling. Otherwise, they can carry with you into new relationships.

Also, starting new hobbies like reading, cooking and yoga help keep our minds agile and thinking creatively.

Finally, when it seems like there’s been enough time to heal, you can venture out into the dating game again. This time, equipped with all the tools and lessons you’ve learned from previous heartbreak.