The best Craigslist car ad you've seen since the last 'best Craigslist car ad' you saw

We're a big fan of Craigslist poetry over here and, let us tell you, the owner of this 1997 Suburu Legacy Outback is the Walt Whitman of the Internets. In an effort to find a suitable buyer for the vehicle, its owner posted a hilarious, ALL-CAPS description of the "HORSELESS CHARIOT WITH HEATED SEATS" that should shame everyone who writes copy for carfax.com.

If you're looking for a good laugh, please read all about the greatest car you haven't purchased yet.

HOLY SH** THIS F***ING CAR
LOOK AT THIS F***ING CAR
IT'S A 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACK
BITCHES LOVE 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACKS (SOURCE: THE BITCHES)

WHAT YOU THINK 2 WHEEL DRIVE IS ENOUGH FOR YOUR COMMUTE?
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE COMMUTING THROUGH AN APOCALYPTIC ZOMBIE HORDE
YOU CAN'T AFFORD A KEY LOSS OF TRACTION WHEN THE FLESH EATERS ARE BANGING ON YOUR REINFORCED GLASS WINDOWS
GOOD THING THIS SUBARU IS 4 F***ING WHEEL DRIVE

THIS CAR ROCKS AN AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION
SO IT'S FOR YOU CLASSY F***ERS TOO BUSY BANGING THE PROM QUEEN TO WORRY ABOUT WORKING THE CLUTCH

OH AND NEWSFLASH F***ERS
IT'S WINTER
THIS IS MICHIGAN, HOMES, IT GETS COLD
NOBODY'S GOING TO WANT TO MAKE OUT IN A F***ING NEON WITH BUSTED HEAT

LUCKILY THIS SUBARU HAS HEATED G**DAMNED SEATS SO WHILE YOU'RE FRENCH KISSING KATE UPTON (kate upton loves subarus) YOU'LL KEEP BOTH OF YOUR FINE ASSES TOASTY
THOR DIDN'T SLAY THE FROST GIANTS OF JOTUNHEIMR FOR YOU TO BE COLD ON THE WAY TO WORK
HE'D BE ALL LIKE, "NAY, PURCHASE THIS HORSELESS CHARIOT WITH HEATED SEATES"

BUT LIKE, THOR HAD GOATS NOT HORSES
BUT YOU'LL BE ABLE TO DEBATE THE MERITS OF YOUR FAVORITE BEAST OF BURDEN WHILE BLASTING YOUR FAVORITE JAMZ OUT OF THESE UPGRADED SPEAKERS (kate upton loves upgraded speakers)

AND OH YEAH
THIS BEAST HAS CRUISE CONTROL
TRULY, YOU ARE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DOMAIN

THIS MOTHERF***ER HAS DONE 180,000 MILES AND IS STILL GOING STRONG
I HEAR IF YOU BREAK 200,000 YOU GET TO ENTER YOUR INITIALS IN THE HIGH SCORE SCREEN
SURE IT GOT SOME DAMAGE WHEN I WAS TOKYO DRIFTING WITH VIN DIESEL, BUT THE DAMAGE IS 100% SUPERFICIAL. THE CAR WORKS SO F***ING GOOD BECAUSE I SPENT A DRAGON'S HOARD WORTH OF GOLD TO REPLACE THE PARTS
THE ONLY REASON I'M GETTING RID OF IT IS BECAUSE I'M MOVING TO A FAR OFF LAND WHERE PUBLIC TRANSPORT IS A THING

BILL CLINTON WAS PRESIDENT BACK IN 1997 AND HE ABSOLUTELY SLAYED P***Y
IF YOU BUY THIS 1997 SUBARU LEGACY OUTBACK YOU WILL TOO
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LOGIC WORKS

SO RISE, YOU BADASS NEW GOD, AND CLAIM YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE INSIDE THIS CAR [h/t Uproxx]