Sideshow | Looking for Lindsay

Where are you,

Lindsay

? We don't really know where the troubled daughter of that fundamentally fouled-up duo,

Dina

and

Michael Lohan

, is hiding.

Is the I Know Who Killed Me star really with her ma on Long Island? Syndicated ent&celeb shows Entertainment Tonight and The Insider say the actress, due in court Aug. 24 on her most recent DUI arrest, flew to Utah over the weekend to make a third attempt at rehab, this time at Cirque Lodge in Utah, a facility near Robert Redford's very own American heartland, Sundance. The place dubs itself "the nation's most exclusive drug rehab center," and says on its Web site that it was named after "the beautiful glacier-carved Cascade Cirque high in the Wasatch Range of the Rocky Mountains overlooking the Lodge." That view will cost you a minimum of $30,000 ($1,000 a day) for the standard 30-day psycho-spirituo- addictional tune-up. Neither Dina nor her daughter's rep has commented.

Madonna

might not get permanent custody of the newest member of her brood,

David Banda

, after all.

Trouble is, Malawi's child welfare services director, Penstone Kilembe, who is required by the courts to visit the baby in London and evaluate his new family situation, has been accused of obtaining a plane ticket and expense money from Madonna without government approval. Malawi's minister for women and child development, Kate Kainja, who leveled the accusation, has forbidden Kilembe to make the trip.

Kilembe has denied soliciting Madonna for the tix, but said his trip is nigh impossible without help.

"You know it requires some resources for me to travel," he said. "What this means is that the whole adoption process may crumble and David [may be] sent back to his village."

No statement from Madge.

"I'm good to enough to provide DNA, but I'm not good enough to hire my own child-care provider?"

So gripes Charlie Sheen, who is walking into a new custody battle with his ex-wife Denise Richards. In an interview with Entertainment Tonight set to air tonight, Sheen says Denise really wants another baby, thinks well enough of him to ask him for a sperm donation, but still insists that her nanny be present to monitor his visits with the couple's two daughters, Lola and Sam.

Sheen wants to amend his custody agreement with his ex. "I want an extra weekend per month," he says, and "the ability to hire my own nanny."

Asked if he'd go through with the sperm donation, Sheen says, "I would sooner walk on the surface of the moon in exactly what I'm wearing." (He was not wearing a NASA-approved space suit when he said this.)

Meanwhile, Denise sounds as peeved as her ex. "This is disgusting," she tells the New York Post about Sheen's claims that she's withholding the kids from him.

She contradicts Sheen: "I don't want another child right now."

It was a special weekend, this past weekend - the weekend when

The Bourne Ultimatum

shattered all box-office records for August openings, raking in $70.2 mil!

The last in a suspense trilogy that has freed the well-behaved Matt Damon to kill like a maniac, Bourne pushed The Simpsons Movie, which made $25.6 mil in its second week, to second place. Disney's Underdog struggles at No. 3 with a slim $12 mil.

Meanwhile, Transformers, the big movie that could, has become the fourth film this summer to break the $300 mil barrier!

Why do we celebrate these numbers?

Who would you rather see direct

Recount

, the HBO drama about the 2000 Florida recount debacle that helped seal the winner of the

George W. Bush

vs.

Al Gore

smackdown?

Sydney Pollack

, the veteran dude who made

The Swimmer

and

Three Days of the Condor

, or

Jay Roach

, the goofball behind the

Austin Powers

trilogy? (OK, the first one was funny.)

Variety says Roach has replaced Pollack, who stepped down for personal reasons. (Though he'll continue as an exec producer.)

The TV flick is about to start casting.

Oscar winner

Jack Nicholson

, 70, denies a claim by author

Dennis McDougal

that he has two

secret

illegitimate kids - besides the five love children and the one legitimate daughter the world already knows about.

Writing in In Five Easy Decades, his unauthorized bio of Jack due out in October, McDougal says one of the two secret kids is a "young man who lives with handicaps brought on by his actress mother's drug abuse."

Jack's attorney Abe Somer is not pleased: "The allegations of the handicapped son are false and inaccurate," he told the New York Post on Friday. He did not comment on the second kid, but he did say that Jack has four, not five, illegitimates, as McDougal claimed.

What do bubblegum pop warbler

Britney Spears

and

George W. Bush

have in common?

Sliding poll numbers. . . .

But Brit's numbers are still way better than those of the president. According to an Us Weekly poll, as much as 43 percent of the citizenry - well, the portion of it that reads Us Weekly and responds to its polls - wants Kevin Federline to get custody of the divorced couple's two sons.

Lately, America has been shocked and appalled by Brit's erratic behavior, and many say she's unable to care properly for her kids.

Marc Anthony

and

Jennifer Lopez

, who make beautiful music together at home

and

at the studio, have announced they will go on a joint tour this fall, beginning Sept. 29 in Atlantic City and ending Nov. 2 in Miami.

The couple have been busy: Their new flick, El Cantante, a biopic of salsa legend Hector Lavoe, came out Friday. It has yielded a soundtrack album that Anthony recently released. And J.Lo's next solo disc, Brave, is due out Oct. 9.

J.Lo, who'll also perform solo material from her Spanish-language album, Como Ama una Mujer (How a Woman Loves), has never toured before.

Tix info has yet to be announced. Info: www.livenation.com.