Steve and Mia: After 30 years, happily married man longs for his first love

Steve is a 50-something married man who's been around the block. Mia is a 20-something single immersed in the Center City dating scene. They may not agree, but they have plenty of answers. If you'd like an answer to your romantic troubles, e-mail them at S&M@phillynews.com or write: S&M c/o Daily News, Box 7788, Philadelphia, PA 19101.

Q: I'm in my early 50s and have been married to a wonderful woman for more than 25 years. I've only loved one other woman in my life - a girl I dated briefly the summer I was 19. She was my first love. It was a casual dating relationship that never got to the serious stage. One day she abruptly dumped me. There was little explanation, and I walked away confused and hurt. That was 30 years ago, and I never saw her again, even though she lives in a neighboring community. I've been happy with my wife, but three years ago, that '70s girl popped into my head for some unknown reason. Now I can't stop thinking about her. I would never do anything stupid such as contacting her or cheating on my wife. But I can't figure out what triggered this: Is it a mid-life crisis where you think about an old flame? Is it because I never had closure when I got dumped? Or is it something else?

Steve: It's something else, all right: Big trouble. As we age, we often think fondly of our past. The bad memories fade; only the good remains. And that means we always remember old flames as hotter than they really were. Odds are that '70s girl is today a fat, aging shrew. It is a rare man who's been happily married to a woman for 25 years. Recall that summer romance if you like, but know that your life wound up in a far better place.

Mia: Yes, you're having a mid-life crisis about an old flame. And you know why? Because in your mind she is always 17 and unattainable - unlike your wife who is middle-aged and talks to you about mundane things like the grocery list. Keep this fantasy girl strictly where she belongs . . . in the past.

Q: I met this guy through an online dating service who was divorced when we met. I was never sure if he was actually over his ex, and six weeks after we met, he moved to the Midwest. But not before we were intimate. We've kept in close touch, and he has always said that maybe we were meant to be together. When he moved, he ran through a series of women like candy. Then, in November, he met someone, and they got engaged on Valentine's Day. He says she's the absolute one for him, and he's ready to settle down, which is the opposite of what he always told me. I know in my head I don't want him, but I still long for the excitement and passion we had, since I'm not getting that in my current relationship. Please help set me straight.

Steve: I think it's entirely appropriate that a guy who runs through women like candy should get engaged on Valentine's Day. He sounds like a poor long-term bet, however, so be glad you're rid of him. The real problem is that your current relationship lacks excitement and passion. I'd chuck that one, too. Keep trying until you get it right. Remember, men are like commuter trains: Another one shows up every 20 minutes.

Mia: This guy moved away and is clearly a serial dater - you want no part of him. You're just suffering from man-that-got-away syndrome. It passes. In the meantime, dump your passionless guy and put yourself out there. Have fun.

Q: Your column is called "Sexcetera," but it seems you guys rarely write about sex. So here's one for you: What's the one, sure-fire way to give my girlfriend a mind-blowing orgasm?

Mia: Ask her what she likes. After all, she's the expert on what she likes, not us. But I will say, if you want results, you should be very, very generous.

Steve: There is no "one" way. Everyone has a distinct set of likes and dislikes. Mia's right. Asking is the best way to find out what they are. *