To test a Taser, cops zap their (expletive) chief

In a scene right out of "Reno 911!" Upper Darby Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood, who is known for using shock-jock vocabulary to describe criminals, was shocked himself yesterday when he served as a guinea pig for his department's first Taser gun.

"If expletives come out of my mouth, I don't care if you print it, but I'm going to be real," he told a bevy of reporters before 1,200 volts were sent through his body.

And real he was.

"Ahhh [expletive] ahhh [expletive] me," he said.

Upper Darby police recently received their first four Tasers at $800 a pop. A half-dozen officers have been trained in using the devices, which will first be employed by the department's narcotics unit and the special-reaction team, Chitwood said.

"[It's] important for me to take a hit," he said. "I'll have firsthand knowledge of how one would feel when they get hit with 1,200 volts."

Two officers stood on either side of Chitwood so he didn't hit the floor face-first. Training Officer Tim Law, who said tongue-in-cheek that he'd won the department lottery, fired the Taser gun.

Chitwood, 64, broke into his rash of expletives and was lowered gently to the floor on his stomach before he regained composure within seconds and went into full criminal mode.

"I ain't doin' nothing, Officer! Don't do it again," he mocked.

Chitwood said that the device definitely worked and that the shock was a long three seconds.

"There's ladies around or I'd tell you where my anatomy is right now," he said.

Law said that he has used a Taser only in training and wasn't aware of anyone who has used the device on his chief before.

Instead of shooting the prongs out of the Taser gun, Law taped two wires to Chitwood's back. When used in the field, the prongs only have to penetrate a criminal's clothing and come within an inch of the skin to be effective, Law said.

The 1,200 volts is sent between the two wires, causing the muscles between those wires to contract, he said. The rest of the body, in turn, has sympathetic muscle contractions, he said.

"My whole body just trembled. I lost control of everything," Chitwood said. "Well . . . not everything!" *