Talking with God
The omniscient view of everything you want to know.
CONTINUING a tradition, the annual dialogue between God and Your Favorite Columnist.
GOD: How you doing, sonny?
YFC: Great, except for your habit of calling me sonny. I don't care for it.
GOD: Remember when Explorer froze the other day when you were in the middle of writing (it never freezes when you're not) and you yelled, "God damn it"? How do you think I felt?
YFC: Hmmm. I had no idea you were so thin-skinned.
GOD: Give this a listen: "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain." Sound familiar?
YFC: Usually the Third Commandment. But I didn't use your name. I used your, um, title.
GOD: I'm not your editor, sonny. Are you trying to outlawyer the Almighty?
YFC: I withdraw that.
GOD: OK - and, and . . . I'm waiting for an apology here.
YFC: Hmmm. Give this a listen: "For I the Lord thy God am a jealous God."
GOD: Oh, snap! Good one, sonny.
YFC: Glad you approve. I wouldn't want to be struck by lightning.
GOD: Less chance of that than you being struck by an original thought.
YFC: Hey! My target is the low-information reader.
GOD: The low self-esteem reader?
YFC: Can't top you on comebacks. What's new this year?
GOD: When you are eternal, and more everlasting than a Duracell battery, you don't measure time as mortals do, but I won't make angels dance on the head of a pin (although they are incredibly cute when they do). To answer your question, I'm on Twitter.
YFC: Like the pope? Did you get tired of sending messages using burning bushes, prophets, floods and miracles?
GOD: I dig the 140-character format. Think of the Ten Commandments. Every one can be a tweet.
YFC: What's your handle - @AlwaysRight? @NeverWrong? @Smartypants? @Infallible?
GOD: Not saying.
YFC: Why?
GOD: I don't have as many followers as Justin Bieber. It's embarrassing.
YFC: (What an egotist!)
GOD: What didst thou say?
YFC: Did I say that out loud?
GOD: I can read your thoughts, schlemiel.
YFC: Don't be a bully.
GOD: Glad you mentioned that.
YFC: You want to talk about bullying being wrong?
GOD: No, I want to talk about twerking.
YFC: You know about twerking?
GOD: Twerking, lambada, Electric Slide, the 81, the chicken, Charleston, I know 'em all.
YFC: Amazing. So you know of Miley Cyrus?
GOD: That's a bold and brazen article. She's not Hannah Montana anymore, she's Lindsay Lohan. She'll have a sandwich named for her at the Betty Ford Clinic soon.
YFC: That's pretty judgmental.
GOD: Duh! That's my job.
YFC: Pope Francis asks, "Who am I to judge?" He says atheists can get to heaven and economic supply-siders are misguided. What's that all about?
GOD: He's a riot. I don't know where he gets half that stuff.
YFC: What? Are you a supply-sider?
GOD: Who fed the multitudes with five loaves and two fish?
YFC: Chef Walter Staib at the City Tavern?
GOD: Sonny, you are getting on my last nerve.
YFC: Then we'd better wrap this up. Have any final words for Philadelphia?
GOD: The Eagles have scored 142 points in their last four games. HNY.
YFC: What's HNY?
GOD: Happy New Year in tweet. Sonny, you have a lot to learn.
Phone: 215-854-5977
On Twitter: @StuBykofsky
Blog: ph.ly/Byko
Columns: ph.ly/StuBykofsky