Ubiñas: Getting me out of the United States won't be easy

As I slog through my emails, the underwhelming snow has ended outside and my thoughts are turning to warmer climates.

After the fourth or fifth email telling me to "go back to" some country or another, I realize I've been looking at things all wrong.

Sure, I could see these readers as a bunch of racist mopes who can't even bother to do the basic research to send me "back" to the right country, or borough, since I'm actually from New York City — for a while, from a single-family home in the Bronx with the only above-ground pool in the neighborhood. On second thought, maybe I will go back to where I came from. Those were some good times.

But maybe, just maybe, readers are just offering helpful vacation tips.

Because, just three weeks into President Trump's presidency, I could use a break.

And apparently, so could many of those people filling up my inbox with temper tantrums about how unfairly I'm treating No. 45.

"This country doesn't WANT you! or YOUR KIND! Get out and go back to your people!!!" wrote Joe, who's clearly jumped on the presidential caps-and-exclamation-points bandwagon. 

OK, you win - I'll go. But if you want me gone so badly, you're going to have to work for it.

It's not enough for you guys to throw racial epithets and random exotic locales at me and expect me to take it from there. PAID HATERS SO LAZY!

You want me out of your hair for a while? Come up with some solid plans: Where am I going? What should I pack? Am I going to need a power adapter so I could use my hair dryer while I'm away?  Should I invest in an Ivanka Trump "jet set travel outfit?"  Can someone water my plants?

Maybe it's "the squiggly thing" in my last name, as so many readers refer to the tilde in Ubiñas, or my "tint," as someone once referred to my skin tone.

But not a day goes by when readers unhappy with something I've written don't scream that I should "go back where you came from!"

Technically, as I mentioned above, that would be NYC, or, more recently, Connecticut. But they usually mean points farther south.

Often it's Mexico, which isn't very creative, but might actually be the best location, since I hear a big construction project under consideration might offer an opportunity to turn the trip into a working vacation.

I don't mean to brag, but I have experience. As a teen, I was in charge of the Whack-a-Mole game at a local amusement park, and on slow days I got really good at swinging that mallet.

But it's also been suggested I go back to Cuba and Argentina and Ecuador and Guatemala and Colombia and Uruguay and Spain... And more than a few times, Puerto Rico, but only from those who somehow missed that it is a commonwealth of the United States and that Puerto Ricans have been U.S. citizens for 100 years.

Even Trump knew Puerto Rico well enough to license his name to a golf course there. Until it went bankrupt. Google is your friend, people.

What I really wanted to do was set up a GoFundMe page and make you put your money where your mouths are. But apparently the "dishonest media" has rules…SO UNFAIR!

I was really looking forward to going somewhere and coming back with souvenir cups that read, "I sent Helen to Mexico!" or "I sent Helen to Guatemala and all I got is this lousy T-shirt!" — which may or may not have actually been made in China.

I would have sent weekly "Glad You're Not Here!" postcards, and maybe posted some drunken selfies of myself in a bathrobe – wait, what am I saying, who even owns a bathrobe?

Definitely, I'd tweet.

"I'm STUDYING THE WORLD!"

Anyway, what are you waiting for? It's cold outside.