Staying on Kenney's good side

From last week's news:

NBC10 has dropped plans to televise a Philadelphia mayoral debate between Democrat Jim Kenney and Republican Melissa Murray Bailey due to Kenney's demands about certain camera angles.

Kenney and Bailey have each signed a "memorandum of understanding" to govern joint campaign appearances. What follows is not that document.

To: Anyone else expressing interest in a visit from Jim Kenney, Democratic nominee for mayor of Philadelphia.

From: Kenney campaign.

Re: Kenney's conditions for appearance.

Thank you so much for your warm invitation to:

(Choose one: participate in your debate, speak to your community group, visit your nursing home's senior citizen voters, explain democracy to your school's students.)

Please review this Memorandum of Understanding for this proposed event in order to:

(Choose one or more as apply: facilitate a delightful time, avoid any miscommunication, get Kenney to actually show up.)

Please note: While NBC10 could not abide by Kenney's ban on split-screen, close-up camera angles during a mayoral debate with Republican Melissa Murray Bailey, these conditions are meant solely to maintain the decorum and decency so often associated with politics in Philadelphia.*

* No, really. Seriously. Really, we're serious.

Starting with pre-event accommodations in the so-called green room, Kenney requests/requires:

Meals from a selection of food trucks parked nearby, for the sake of variety (and not because their association endorsed him).

Please, absolutely no Chick-fil-A products.

Riunite, if they still make that, on ice. And, please, no wisecracks about a grown man who puts ice in white wine.

To maintain his new Zen-like state of peaceful being, Kenney requests/requires the following people be kept at least one linear mile from the event:

Former State Sen. Vincent J. Fumo (a onetime political patron turned federal prison inmate turned lobbyist who said mean things about Kenney's campaign on Facebook).

School Reform Commission member Bill Green IV (a onetime City Council arch nemesis who flirted with an independent run for mayor).

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (c'mon, he is a Dallas Cowboys fan).

In order to maintain a professional appearance, Kenney requests/requires the following stage and camera settings.

Close-ups must focus on his good side. Please do not ask how to find it.

Stage lighting must not focus on or emphasize any reddening of the facial complexion, which - by the way - could be interpreted as anti-Irish bias.

A strong fan should be hidden just off stage, in order to cool any hot-under-the-collar moments that could harsh his Zen buzz.

Speaking of which, Kenney requests/requires these topics of discussion:

The decriminalization of marijuana possession penalties in Philadelphia.

Prosecution of homophobic suburbanites.

The posterior proportions of a certain governor from the other side of the Delaware River.

Conversely, Kenney requests/requires these topics go unspoken:

The political power of building trades labor unions, exerted through campaign contributions, independent expenditure groups, volunteer manpower, and the occasional beat-down or act of vandalism.

Any tweets by Kenney before Feb. 4, the day he announced his candidacy for mayor and renounced his proclivity to engage in social media flame wars about hockey, football, pop culture, the media, and anything else on his mind.

Being a campaign control freak during an election in which he is statistically sure to win due to the 7-1 voter registration advantage held by Democrats over Republicans in the city of Philadelphia.

Your cooperation is requested/required. Thank you for your compliance.

215-854-5973@ByChrisBrennan