‘I don’t give a bleep!’ Jordan Mailata and the 9-1 Eagles are sick of hearing that they’re ‘winning ugly’

Asked what he thought of the persistent narrative surrounding the Eagles and their varied and awkward methods of beating almost everybody, genteel offensive tackle Jordan Mailata replied in the measured tones and with the refined vocabulary for which the saucy Aussie has become known:

“I don’t give a bleep. I don’t really give a bleep about the narrative. Dude, I really couldn’t give a bleep.”

He then immediately demonstrated why he gave many bleeps.

“One: Good teams are going to make you force a close game. I mean, this is insane,” he said. “Two: We’ve faced some crazy-assed defensive schemes. Teams who are well-coached and well-disciplined.”

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Mailata then conflated the 2023 narrative with the 2022 narrative, which held that young quarterback Jalen Hurts finished runner-up in MVP voting only because he played in an unorthodox system tailored to what people perceived to be his narrow set of skills.

“So three: I mean, people want to talk about a bleepin’ system quarterback?” There should be bleepin’ system defenses! They can (roll) four bleepin’ bums out there, and if they have an (unusual) scheme, they can bleep us all up!”

At that point Mailata sighed, calmed down, and excused himself; he had to speak with other reporters about the adorable, animated short Christmas musical film the Eagles released Thursday, on which Mailata’s lilting alto voice steals the show.

By then, with characteristic diplomacy, Mailata had made his point.

Contrary to popular ESPN pundits, national and local experts, and even beloved alumni Brian Dawkins, the Eagles aren’t “winning ugly.” They’re just winning. They can beat any team, any time, anywhere, any way.

They can run it (200-plus yards against the Vikings and Buccaneers), throw it (two 300-yard passing games), outscore you (four games with 30-plus points), or shut down your elite quarterback in the final minutes (Cowboys and Chiefs).

Still, there somehow exists the notion that the Eagles are playing bad football — just not bad enough to lose more than one of their 10 games. This, of course, is ludicrous. No team goes 9-1 playing bad football. Nine-and-1 is never ugly.

Nine-and-1 is beautiful by definition, like anything that’s a nine out of 10, from lemon soufflés to café au laits. You might balk at citrus for dessert, and you might hate coffee, but we’re talking a matter of taste, not execution.

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For the most part, the Eagles have executed brilliantly. Certainly, they’ve executed better than the other 31 teams. They are a great football team, the best in the NFL, have been for a month, and they show no signs of regression.

Have they played a perfect game? Of course not. Have they played cleanly every moment? No. No team ever does.

This ain’t ballet, or soccer, if there’s any difference.

“When you win games like we’ve won games, that builds a ton of character,” Hurts said after winning Monday night in Kansas City. “We’re kind of in character-development mode. There’s an eagerness to continue to get better.”

That’s realistic. That’s mature. That’s anything but ugly.

Like any group afflicted with vanity and pride, the Eagles are getting sick of people calling them ugly. They are especially sensitive about contentions that their offense, run by a first-time offensive coordinator, should be more aesthetically pleasing.

“The criticism of Brian Johnson is silly,” Eagles coach Nick Sirianni said. “I think our offense is doing a good job. You can look at any stat you want. But when you score as many points, and win as many games, that’s all that counts, right? We average (just) a half-a-point less than we did last year, and we have the same record.”

Indeed, the Birds were 9-1 after 10 games in 2022, which ended in a Super Bowl appearance. They’re scoring 27.3 points, fifth-best in the league and eight-tenths of a point less than they averaged in 2022, when they finished third.

There’s much more.

They just beat the Chiefs on the road in Game 10, having never before beaten Andy Reid, who was coming off a bye. They beat the Cowboys two weeks earlier in Game 9, having lost four of the five previous matchups. They blew out the red-hot Dolphins in Game 7.

Winning ugly? Whatever.

No team is hotter than the Birds.

They’ve beaten the two best AFC teams, the Chiefs and Dolphins (miss me with the Ravens).

They beat the third-best NFC team, now that the Lions have been revealed and the Niners are whole again.

Hurts is the MVP favorite again. His top target, A.J. Brown, is the second-best receiver in the league. Rookie defensive tackle Jalen Carter ranks No. 2 among interior linemen, according to profootballfocus.com, and Jason Kelce again is the top-rated center.

They exited Week 11 with the No. 12 passing offense, have the No. 8 rushing offense, the No. 9 overall offense, and the No. 5 scoring offense. They have the No. 1 rushing defense, and the main reason their pass defense and scoring defense linger in the middle of the pack is because the opposition usually is trying to come back.

Furthermore, they’ve started the same five defensive backs just once thanks to a rash of injuries in the secondary. They’ve started five different players at their two safety spots and five different players at their nickel cornerback spot.

“That shows we have a great team,” said outside cornerback James Bradberry, who missed Game 2 with a concussion and had to play nickel corner in Game 4. “And it shows we have a great coaching staff that adjusts to the players that are available.”

He’s right. This is the very definition of greatness: Winning against the best teams despite roster upheaval.

Philly’s gonna Philly, and Philly wants to win with a punishing run game and quarterback sacks. But really, would you rather them be 7-3 but have the No. 1 rushing offense? Given the nature of the Neanderthal Philadelphia fan, many of them would.

Besides, they were built to be what you wanted.

The Eagles ranked No. 2 in rushing offense through the first five games. Then Hurts, the second-best running quarterback in history, injured his knee, and right guard Cam Jurgens injured his foot, and suddenly the Eagles couldn’t run the ball.

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They returned close to full strength Monday night in Kansas City. The Eagles gained 114 rushing yards, the most they’d gained since the injuries.

Again: Injuries diminished their capacities. Still, they won. That’s the definition of greatness.

They’re winning, and winning in style.

Their schedule includes an eight-game stretch in which they face seven of the best teams in football. They are smack in the middle of that stretch. They’re 4-0. They blew out mighty Miami, beat mediocre Washington for the second time this season, then hung on for wins against the Cowboys and in Kansas City.

“The narrative, dude,” Mailata continued when he returned. “It’s not, ‘The Eagles are good.’ Now, it’s, ‘We’ve been telling you KC’s bad.’”

He rolled his eyes at this new concept:

“What?”

At this point, if the Eagles are winning ugly, then they’re the handsomest of the trolls. Even on fake grass played under retractable roofs with rules modified to protect the players’ brains and their knees, football is still supposed to be ugly. Every football game is ugly.

It’s just that 9-1 covers up a whole lot of blemishes.